10 Signs It Wasn’t Love But A Trauma Bond

It may seem obvious that abusive or toxic relationships seem like an outsider. Constant fighting, closing doors, tears, and hateful insults. Or the silent treatment and temptation and adoration and floods of compliments. "It's because he loves me." "Only he understands." "It's not that bad." Why do so many people stay in these relationships in the name of "love"? Unfortunately, the answer is simpler than we would like. 

Trauma bond formation tends to be a gradual process. It is usually characterized by a period of passionate declarations of love and enjoyment of emotions. This is the "love bombing phase". The flow of positive attention establishes grounds for the abuser's manipulation. It tends to be followed soon after by the onset of toxic behavior such as gas lighting, verbal abuse, or control.

What is the Trauma bond? 

The term "connection" in psychology refers to the positive sense of connection and attachment that develops between people when they spend a lot of time together. You may notice feelings of bonding after going through something really good or difficult with a partner or friend. You feel closer to them, more loyal. 

Traumatic bonding refers to the state of emotional attachment not to a kind friend or family member, but to an abuser. It's a passive form of bonding because it keeps you loyal to a destructive situation. The abuser uses cycles of abuse and then some sort of reward to keep you psychologically and emotionally trapped. 

If you are someone who has dealt with such toxic relationships, or witnessed this type of connection, here are 10 signs that it was not love but a traumatic bond and how you can overcome it: 

10 signs that it was not love but a traumatic bond

1. You depend too much on them. 

There is a term used to describe people who are overly dependent on their partners, and it is known as interdependence. It is a relationship in which your happiness and identity depends on your significant other. The problem arises when one person takes advantage of the other. It can be emotionally and physically draining, as well as financially draining. It's as if you're trying to manipulate the other person. Sometimes this is unintentional while most of the time it happens knowingly. This encourages toxic behavior in relationships, as you constantly give them second chances and they keep making the same mistakes.

2. You are trying to change yourself to them. 

A healthy relationship is one in which you accept them as they are. If you happen to have a relationship that made you change things about yourself, then this wasn't "love", it was definitely a traumatic bond and you definitely don't need anyone in your life who doesn't love you for who you are. You can always try to change yourself for the better but never try to change yourself for someone else. If they really care about you, you won't change your habits or your individuality for them.

3. You feel addicted to them. 

When we think of addiction, substances like drugs and alcohol come to mind. However, have you ever wondered if "love" can be an addiction? That's right, if you feel like you've become addicted to the other person, you're going through early stages of a trauma bond. You stick with it even after fights that turn into emotional breakdowns. You keep staying with them because you think that you are nothing without them and there is no way you can let them go with it. Remember to distinguish between love and anything that breaks you emotionally.

4. You stay because you feel that only your partner can meet your needs.

Bonding can shockingly feel like love because you are so attached to this person no matter what they do to you. But it's quite different. “The motive behind the trauma is to meet the unmet needs of the victim in question,” she says. You are so attached to this person that you feel that you cannot meet your needs anywhere else. You have been validated by your partner's "consent".

5. They ignore your needs. 

When the person you love ignores your needs, it's the worst feeling ever. You feel unwanted when you have always been there for them... through thick and thin. It's nothing short of a shocking bond, when the chance is they'll be there for you, they just remain unfazed and oblivious. If you ask for attention, they act unaware. I don't need much, if they had paid attention to you, things would have been different.

6. You sacrifice your needs to make them happy. 

Have you tried to get your partner's attention by buying them gifts that are beyond your budget? Or have you always kept their needs before yours? Well, you've come across trauma bond tag where you're trying to win their affection all the time. Relationships must be equal. Both partners have to put in the same amount of time and effort. If you are the only one making the effort, it means that he lacks understanding and most importantly, respect. You need to stop leaning back all the time to make them happy. The right person will appreciate you and won't allow you to sacrifice your own needs.

7. You ignore their bad behavior even if it makes others anxious.

"Your friends and family may be upset about some of the things your partner said or did to you, but you don't think it's a big deal," If the people around you mention that you need to get out of the relationship, but you ignore them or pretend not to know what they are talking about, you are probably in a traumatic relationship.

8. A consistent pattern of non-performance. 

They have proven time and time again that they will not change. There is plenty of evidence that absolutely nothing will happen. But you still think they'd do it anyway. You want to believe in your core that they are really going to change and that they really care about you enough to change.

9. Frequent harmful fights with this person. 

You only fight in circles and absolutely nothing happens. It just becomes a screaming match or a fight match or it may lead to a violent outburst. But no progress has been made at all. You fight about the same things over and over again. And you don't seem to get anything changing and it doesn't look like you can stop the cycle.

10. You feel physically unable to separate from them. 

You cannot even understand life without them. You can't even seem to put together a world where they aren't with you. Even if you want to leave, you feel like you can't

How to break the trauma bond :

1- Keep a journal 

Writing down the things that happen each day can help you begin to identify patterns and notice issues with behavior that may not seem offensive in the moment. When the abuse occurs, write down what happened and whether your partner said anything afterward to justify it. 

2- Avoid self-blame 

Believing that you caused or brought on the abuse yourself can make it difficult for you to exercise your independence, effectively keeping you in the relationship. Remind yourself that the abuse is never your fault, no matter what: What you may or may not do How deep is your fear of loneliness or life without it? How many times have you come back already you deserve the best. Replacing self-criticism and blame with affirmations and positive self-talk can help start this truth to take root.

3- Go no contact

Once you have made the decision to leave, disable the cycle completely by turning off all communications. If you are a parent, this may not be possible, but a therapist can help you create a plan to maintain only the necessary contact. Create physical distance by finding a safe place to stay, such as having a relative or friend. Also consider changing your phone number and email address, if possible. If you can't do that, block them completely. They may get a new number, but they ignore these messages and calls. They may insist that they will change, go to therapy, and do anything, as long as you come back. These promises may seem very tempting. Remind yourself, however, how many times they have already promised to change.

4- Focus on building healthy bonds.

After the previous step, focusing on social connections can be helpful in addressing your specific needs, while at the same time providing opportunities to relearn healthy relationship behaviors and patterns. By focusing on being the best and safest version, you improve your chances of being in healthy and fulfilling relationships — platonic or romantic. 

5- Get professional help.

While you can take action to start weakening the trauma bond yourself, these bonds tend to hold. You may not find it easy to break free without professional support, and this is completely normal. A therapist can teach you more about the patterns of abuse that lead you to bond over trauma, and this insight can often provide a lot of clarity.