10 Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser & How To Stop

10 Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser & How To Stop

10 Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser & How To Stop

10 Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser & How To Stop

When you put the others' needs before your own constantly, may seem noble, but it can lead to feelings of burnout and resentment, turning you into a people-pleaser at the expense of your well-being. This behavior often stems from a deep desire for approval, involving sacrificing your own peace to keep others happy.

One clear sign of being a people-pleaser is frequently canceling your own plans to meet your friends' needs or denying your own rights and privileges to make others feel better. These actions may seem kind and considerate, which they are to an extent. But when you always prioritize others' requests and needs over your own, you are likely displaying unhealthy signs of people-pleasing.

People-pleasing involves meeting others' psychological needs, even at the cost of neglecting your own. A people-pleaser feels the need to sacrifice for others while sidelining their own needs. Even when there’s no reciprocation, a people-pleaser doesn't mind putting themselves in harm's way to help others.

When someone shows signs of people-pleasing, it's clear that their actions are driven by the hope of receiving some form of recognition from others. Often, these actions go unreciprocated, leading to feelings of bitterness, resentment, and sometimes even hatred towards others.

Do People-Pleasers Suffer from Low Self-Esteem?

90% of people-pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy and believe their actions will bring them a sense of fulfillment. The desire and eagerness to please others often stem from challenges related to low self-esteem.

Is People-Pleasing Linked to Personality Type?

Given how frequently people-pleasing habits appear in some individuals, many wonder if certain personality types are more prone to this behavior. People-pleasing is a habit that anyone can develop, typically as a psychological response to traumatic events in childhood.

This is why most people-pleasers often have a long history of psychological challenges, ranging from depression and anxiety to low self-esteem.

While there aren’t specific personality types prone to people-pleasing, it’s evident that most people-pleasers have experienced negative events or relational trauma early in life.

Since trauma can be a significant factor in shaping a person's personality and behavior, it’s no surprise that victims often adapt people-pleasing as a coping mechanism.

People-pleasing is linked to a personality trait known as "social orientation," which is characterized by excessive concern for pleasing others and gaining their approval as a means of maintaining relationships. This behavior can be a symptom of mental health conditions. The psychological disorders commonly associated with people-pleasing include:

• Anxiety or depression
• Avoidant personality disorder
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
• Dependent personality disorder

Is People-Pleasing Bad?

People-pleasing has many negative side effects on a person’s mental health and can damage one's self-image and psychological stability. Beyond emotional exhaustion, people-pleasers often neglect their own needs because they invest most of their time, energy, and resources into meeting others' needs.

There’s also a high likelihood that a people-pleaser struggles with feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Besides the fact that others may exploit this, your self-worth becomes dependent on the approval of those around you.

10 Clear Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser

Many people mistake the actions of people-pleasers as traits of kindness, generosity, and goodwill. Moreover, most people-pleasers believe they are being selfish when they put themselves first. However, there are certain behaviors that distinguish acts of kindness from people-pleasing.

Here are 10 simple behaviors that can help you or anyone else recognize a people-pleaser:

1- Low Self-Esteem/Weak Self-Image: The desire to please others stems from a need for acceptance. A people-pleaser feels they must be acknowledged by others to reinforce their sense of self-worth. Consequently, they rely on every compliment or praise from their peers to bolster their fragile self-esteem, making them slaves to others' desires.

2- Constant Need for Validation: Due to their weak self-worth, people-pleasers rely on others' opinions to feel good about themselves. For a people-pleaser, others' opinions hold more value than what they think of themselves.

3- Weak Boundaries: Boundaries are the life decisions and principles we live by. They allow us to define what is essential and prioritize our needs. For people-pleasers, this is different. Most either lack boundaries or struggle to maintain them.

4- Apologizing for Things They’re Not Responsible For: One sign of being a people-pleaser is apologizing for events or circumstances that aren’t their fault.

Read Also: 5 Reasons Why People-Pleasers Attracted To A Narcissist

5- Agreeing to Everything: A common sign of a people-pleaser is a habitual tendency to agree with everything.

6- Difficulty Saying “No”: People-pleasers have trouble with the word “no.” Whether out of fear or other reasons, they avoid it as much as possible.

7- Anxiety and Mental Health Challenges: Since most people-pleasers are victims of low self-esteem, it’s not surprising that they may also face other mental health issues like anxiety and high stress.

8- Not Expressing Their Feelings: A people-pleaser usually doesn’t like talking about their feelings. They feel more comfortable suppressing their emotions.

9- Stress and Perfectionism: Among the many signs of a people-pleaser is the desire for everything to be perfect, done in the best way possible without upsetting anyone. Their struggle with stress is a prevalent issue.

10- Fear of Rejection/Confrontation: Fear of rejection and confrontation is another reason why people-pleasers exist. They like to feel accepted by others because it enhances their self-worth.

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

Breaking free from people-pleasing is a process that requires awareness and practice. Here are some steps that can help you achieve that:

1- Recognize the Problem: The first step towards breaking free from people-pleasing is acknowledging that you have this habit. It might be helpful to note situations where you’ve tried to please others at the expense of yourself.

2- Boost Your Self-Confidence: People-pleasing often stems from low self-esteem. Work on building your confidence by focusing on your strengths and achievements. You can also practice positive affirmations and avoid comparing yourself to others.

3- Learn to Say “No”: The ability to say “no” is a crucial skill for breaking free from people-pleasing. You may feel guilty at first, but you must realize that saying “no” to others means saying “yes” to yourself.

4- Set Personal Boundaries: Set clear boundaries in your life and don’t hesitate to enforce them. Decide what you can and cannot accept in your relationships with others.

5- Identify Your Own Needs: Regularly ask yourself, “What do I need?” and “What do I truly want?” Focus on meeting your own needs and priorities before considering others’.

6- Practice Self-Awareness: Engage in meditation or relaxation exercises to enhance your self-awareness and emotions. This will help you recognize moments when you tend to please others and change your reactions.

7- Face Your Fear of Rejection: People-pleasing often stems from the fear of rejection. Try facing this fear by remembering that others' approval isn’t always necessary and that you can’t please everyone all the time.

8- Practice Expressing Your Feelings: Learn how to express your feelings and opinions clearly and healthily. Don’t be afraid to be honest with others about how you feel.

9- Talk to a Professional: If you find it difficult to break free from people-pleasing on your own, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who can help you manage this habit effectively.

10- Practice and Patience: Don’t expect to change overnight. Continue practicing these steps regularly, and over time, you’ll notice an improvement in your ability to break free from people-pleasing.

Breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey towards self-respect and living in alignment with your values and personal needs.

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6 Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Self Esteem

6 Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Self Esteem

6 Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Self Esteem

6 Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Self Esteem

Lack of self-esteem can cause serious harm to our life. Therefore, you must have a proactive approach to self-esteem and make sure that you are creating habits that improve self-esteem, not destroy it.

We often overlook the role our habits play in our lives. Whereas in reality, our habits greatly influence our emotions, thoughts, behavior, development, and even our self-esteem! Yes, our habits clearly reflect our self-esteem! In fact, some habits have been identified as habits of people with low self-esteem.

It's important to let go of any habits that could harm your self-esteem, because what we do daily and how we think can play a role in how we feel about ourselves. Taking the time to develop healthy behaviors and productive ways of thinking can have a huge impact on our self-esteem.

Whatever caused your low self-esteem in the past, it’s your present habits that are maintaining it.To feel the best about yourself and build up your self-worth, try to avoid these 6 toxic habits that could sabotage your self-esteem.

Toxic Habits That Lead To Low Self-esteem

1. Perfectionism:

Perfectionism almost always leaves you with a feeling of dissatisfaction and failure.When you strive for perfection, you always beat yourself up for not trying hard enough, always pushing your limits further.
As a result, you end up never being proud of yourself and you always feel like you have failed.

Perfectionists tend to be very self-critical and unhappy and suffer from low self-esteem. They can also be lonely or isolated as their critical nature and rigidity can push others away as well. This can lead to lower self-esteem.According to Carolyn Gregoire in an article for the Huffington Post, perfectionism is highly associated with anxiety and depression.

Research has associated an inability to show imperfection to others (and even, sometimes, an inability to admit fault) with depression and anxiety. Holding yourself to unattainable standards at work puts you on the emotional hamster wheel of keeping up perfect appearances — an impossible task that only makes you miserable.Perfectionism is a self-fulfilling prophecy of low self-esteem

2.Comparison:

Upward and Downward Comparisons Influence Our Self-Esteem. ... When we are able to compare ourselves favorably with others, we feel good about ourselves, but when the outcome of comparison suggests that others are better or better off than we are, then our self-esteem is likely to suffer.

Tying our self-worth to other people is beyond damaging. When you compare yourself to others, you focused on their best qualities instead of yours. Eventually, you will destroy your self-worth by wanting to be as good as they are, never realizing that we all have our special features. 

Studies show that comparing our status, recognition, or physical appearance to that of others (in this case, coworkers) sets us up for depression. “The activity of comparing one’s self with others is a major trigger for a plummet in self esteem,” explains Dr. Jane Bolton, PsyD of Psychology Today. Instead of worrying about coworkers’ behavior, accolades, or looks, try to focus on doing your own work to the best of your ability. You’ll likely experience a twofold benefit: better performance and a mental un-burdening from the feeling you don’t measure up.

3. Not setting boundaries:

Saying yes to everything and trying to please people all the time kills your self-esteem because it prevents you from asserting yourself. Saying yes to everything and everyone. Of course, this tremendously lowering our self-worth because when we give people the power of choice, we lose ours. Setting boundaries shows people how we want to be treated and what we accept and don’t accept.

When you try to please everyone all the time, you basically don’t assert yourself.

• You don’t fully accept your choices.
• You don’t fully live with what you really want.
• In other words, you don’t dare to be yourself.

Poor boundaries and low self-esteem frequently go hand-in-hand.You don’t dare to stand for who you truly are, for what you truly want. The more you practice establishing well-defined boundaries, the more people will treat you as a worthy, self-respecting individual, and the stronger your self-esteem will become, all to the long-term benefit of yourself and others. The stronger the self-esteem, the stronger the boundaries you can implement

4. Judging yourself for how you feel:

Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself. People with healthy self-esteem like themselves and value their achievements. While everyone lacks confidence occasionally, people with low self-esteem feel unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time.

Many people fear being judged negatively by others, however, they ignore negative judgment from themselves. Negative self-judgment is emotionally damaging and leads to all sorts of problems. In addition to damaging your self-esteem, it can be linked to anxiety or depression. It may prevent you from doing the things you want to, and it can isolate you from people. However, you can live a more fulfilling life and increase your self-esteem when you stop judging yourself negatively.

Related Article: 7 Ways To Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

5. Procrastinating:

When faced esteem skews the skill needed to complete  the task is downplayed and simultaneously the difficulty level of the task is exaggerated .

this lead to realization, albeit a false one that the task would be impossible to complete successful 

Procrastinating can truly hurt your self-esteem, especially when it has become a habit.When you procrastinate, you feel overwhelmed. You feel like you’re losing control over time, and over your life.It makes you feel like you’re lagging behind.

Procrastinating weakens your self-esteem because it encompasses true self-esteem killers:

• A sense of failure
• A sense of unfulfillment
• Questioning your abilities to get things done
• Self-blaming
• Feeling insecure
• Every time I miss a deadline, I really feel like I failed

6. Putting Others’ Needs Before Your Own:

When we fill our time with responsibilities and constantly prioritize the needs of others over our own, we can drain ourselves of energy and desire.We may sacrifice our own interests altogether or stop enjoying personal connections that make us feel like ourselves. In doing so, we give up aspects of ourselves, but the people close to us also miss out on really knowing us.

If we don’t practice self-care and find healthy ways to meet our needs as individuals, we tend to have less energy, complain more, drag our feet, feel more resentment, and criticize ourselves and others, all of which can be draining to all the people we are seeking to benefit by setting aside our own wants and needs

Self sacrificers are often highly emphatic and caring individuals. However, putting others before yourself leads to your own needs and wants not being fulfilled. It is important that you set your boundaries to ensure your physical and mental health. Putting Others First Is Healthy If You Do It the Right . But Unmitigated communion is predictive of lower self-esteem

Positive Habits To Boost Your Self-esteem:

How to be more confident & how to build your self esteem :

1- Daily Positive Affirmation:"Write a daily, morning affirmation, "Start your day of by affirming your strengths. Remember, self-esteem is driven by how we think."

2-Learn something new every day: Our brains are really good at learning new stuff and the more new stuff you learn, the better you get at learning it and the more likely you find things you can be passionate about.

3-Volunteer and give back: one thing a week to help someone else without expecting anything in return.

4-Treat Yourself Well.Nobody is perfect. We all have issues and we all have flaws. Learn to accept your ‘flaws’ or imperfections and love them, because they are what make you unique. So, work it honey!

5-TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:Eating well and exercising boosts endorphins, the body’s natural opiates, which make you feel good on the inside and stimulates a more positive mood.

6-SET GOALS:Take the time every day to think about what you’d like to achieve. Then set yourself realistic goals for each day and keep track of your progress by writing down all your accomplishments.

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What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Normal Shame

What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Normal Shame

What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Normal Shame

What is toxic shame? 

Toxic shame is the feeling of being worthless. It happens when others treat you badly and that feeling turns into a belief about yourself. You are more susceptible to this type of abuse during childhood or adolescence. When you feel toxic shyness, you see yourself as useless, or at best, not as good as others.

What is the shame?

People who experience shame try to hide the thing they are ashamed of. When Shame is chronic, it may involve feeling that you are fundamentally flawed

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises in connection with the idea of ​​doing something shameful, immoral, or inappropriate. While shame is a negative emotion, it does play a role in the survival of the human race. Without shame, we may not feel the need to adhere to cultural norms, follow laws, or act in a way that allows us to exist as social beings. Since we want to be accepted, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check.

Shame usually arises when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things that you have little control over. This negative self-evaluation often has its roots in the messages you received from others, especially during your childhood. When parents or teachers criticize you, rather than any bad behavioral choices you might have made, they sowed a seed of shame.

• Shame focuses on your identity as a person, and becomes especially toxic when it starts affecting your sense of self. 
• Toxic Shame opens the door to anger, self-loathing, and other unwanted emotions. 
• It can make you feel small and worthless.
• It can flow into your inner dialogue like poison, trapping you in a painful cycle of negative self-talk. 
• When toxic shame continues unresolved, the desire to hide from it or run away from yourself can lead to harmful behaviors such as drug use or self-harm.

What is the difference between shame and guilt? 

To understand how shame can become toxic, let's take a step back to explore the difference between shame and guilt, the two self-conscious feelings often confused. Guilt is associated with specific actions, such as: 

• Make a mistake 
• Do something you know you shouldn't do 
• Causing harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise

People often find it easier to discuss guilt, perhaps in part because guilt means remorse. It can be natural to talk about a transgression when you regret it and want to repair any damage you caused. Like guilt, shame can promote behavior change, because disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making the same mistake. But shyness is about your sense of self, and it can go deeper, so these feelings can persist long after you've apologized or made up for what's going on. Toxic shame refers to the shame that persists and begins to pollute the way you see yourself.

Shame-Based Beliefs

• I’m stupid.
• I’m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner).
• I’m a failure.
• I’m a fraud.
• I’m selfish.
• I’m not enough (this belief can be applied to numerous areas).
• I hate myself.
• I’m defective or inadequate.
• I shouldn’t have been born.
• I’m unlovable.

'Normal' vs. 'Toxic' Shame 

If we feel guilty for an act that has hurt someone, this is the healthy version of shame. This feeling tells us that something is going against our value system. It is a signal to amend and correct the situation so that we can renew our state of well-being. Once we forgive (if we were wronged) or ask for forgiveness (if we were the hurting one), let go. On the other hand, unhealthy shame is when we allow ourselves to be defined by a weakness or something we have no control over.

Child development experts have known for years that a person's core personality is affected and formed mostly by the time they reach the age of ten. So the way the caregiver deals with the child plays the most important role in how a person sees themselves in adulthood. In the area of ​​shame, something as simple as how to admit a feeling without realizing the words being used can be mishandled. It is fairly common, for example, for parents to quickly rate a child as "shy," "stubborn," or "always whiny." Usually this is done in full view of the child, who quickly assimilates such characterizations as his or her norm.

A wise parent evaluates each circumstance and instead states that the child feels shy in a particular situation, such as in meeting new people. It's not "who they are" but what they feel at the time. People grow up feeling ashamed for having the right feelings. This can then create a fear of failure and lower self-worth, which prevents them from trying new things or expanding their boundaries.

Characteristics of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame differs from ordinary shame that passes within a day or a few hours in the following ways: It can hide in the subconscious, so that we do not realize that we are shamed. 

When we feel shame, it lasts longer.

 The feelings and pain associated with shame are more intense. 

• It does not require an external event to run. Our thoughts can bring feelings of shame. 
• It leads to cycles of shame that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
• It causes chronic "shame anxiety" - the fear of feeling ashamed.
• It is accompanied by sounds, images, or beliefs that originated in childhood and are associated with a negative "story of shame" about ourselves. 
• We do not need to remember the original source of immediate shame, which usually arose in childhood or a past trauma. 
• It creates deep feelings of inadequacy

What causes toxic shame?

There are many potential causes of toxic shame, most of which are rooted in childhood experiences, such as various forms of abuse, neglect, trauma, or an unstable living environment.

Here is a comprehensive list of the causes of toxic shame: 

• Verbal, physical and emotional abuse 
• Neglect Caregivers with mental health problems
• Being in an environment where any type of domestic violence occurs painful experiences 
• Emotionally unavailable caregivers
• Mental health problems such as depression or anxiety
• Being harassed or rejected 
• Being a victim of gas-lighting narcissistic abuse

If not cured, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It also breeds low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and dependence, and limits our ability to enjoy fulfilling relationships and career success. 

 How to recover from toxic shame

It is possible to overcome toxic shame and change the way you think. Self-compassion is key to the process. You also need self-awareness, vigilance, and patience. Try these tips for overcoming toxic shame.

1. Face the roots of your shame. It is important to understand and examine your feelings. Find why you feel ashamed to move on. 
2.  Be aware of the way you talk to yourself. Try to notice your own thoughts but don't react to them. 
3. Have a self compassion. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Even if it seems like your mistakes were serious, accept that you are only human. Learn from the past, but don't get stuck in it.
4.  Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness and meditation can do wonders when you learn to monitor your thoughts. Feeling ashamed forces you to respond, so it can be very powerful to notice and question your thoughts.
5. Know when you feel shy. Mindfulness can help alert you when you feel shy. If you are, mention it to a friend or partner. Shame thrives in dark places, so shine a light on it and watch its power fade. ? 
6.  Ask for support. A support network can give you an outlet to talk about things when necessary and reinforce your sense of belonging. 
7. Talk to a professional. Shame can be so pervasive that working through it alone can seem daunting, but don't lose hope. A trained and emotional therapist can provide guidance and support as you begin to explore its origins, identify its impact on your life, and practice confronting it when it creeps into self-talk.

Sources:

.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame

psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame

healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame#normal-vs-toxic-shame

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