8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

               

8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

Emotional intelligence is “being smarter with feelings.” EQ is a powerful set of learnable skills that can help us to become more aware, make better choices, and be more purposeful in our parenting.

There are two parts to being an emotionally intelligent parent:

1. You must know how to make sense of your own emotion and be able to express that emotion in a way that helps you meaningfully connect with your child.

2. You must also be able to accurately read the emotional cues your child sends (both verbally and non-verbally) and validate those feelings.

Being an emotionally intelligent parent to your child gives your child the opportunity to build emotional intelligence for themselves as they grow. Here are some of the benefits.

Why parents with emotional intelligence? 

Research shows that increased emotional intelligence leads to better health, academic achievement, and stronger relationships! It is a teachable, measurable and science-based skill set that helps children...

• Navigate increasing complexity and stress
• Foster positive, healthy relationships
• Spark innovation and resilience
• Nourish compassion and inner peace
• Grow as a positive change-maker

Emotional intelligence skills are learned - and we believe that parents are the most important people to teach these life-changing and world-changing skills.

Here Are 8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

1. They focus on communication. 

Creating a bond between parent and child is one of the top priorities of emotionally intelligent parents. Our modern life, characterized by its stresses and distractions, leaves us feeling stressed and detached from engagement. When taking care of all the tasks, communication with our children seems to be marginalized in our spare time. However, communicating with our children - being fully with them in the moment and focusing 100% of our attention on them - does not take much time.

Emotionally intelligent parents enrich their bonds with their children in ways big and small — by creating minute moments of connection, through daily (or weekly or monthly) rituals or by making special memories together.

2. They take care of themselves.

Parenting is one of the most difficult roles in the world. Emotionally intelligent parents are self-compassionate. They understand that they need to keep their cup full, and that stressing their well-being will make them more patient, happy and energetic. They acknowledge that their needs are valid and invest resources in practicing self-care. When they find themselves exhausted or overwhelmed, they take steps to correct course and prioritize

3. They teach, not punish. 

Discipline entails teaching your child what you expect of him. Emotionally intelligent parents focus on setting boundaries, boundaries, and the consequences of respectfully breaking those boundaries. They are not disciplined to punish them. They understand that consistency and support go a long way in helping children adhere to rules and boundaries. They also realize that yelling, ignoring, or punishing may produce desired results in the short term, but in the long term, it does not enable children to learn skills to manage their behavior.

4. They practice emotional coaching.

It includes training your child to get a feel for his (and your own) feelings, helping your child to recognize and name his feelings, and enabling emotional regulation. Emotionally intelligent parents do not ignore or criticize their children's feelings. They go by the mantra - all feelings are OK (although they understand and pass on to their children that some behaviors are not OK). They view their children's difficult feelings as opportunities for empathy, communication, and education. They enable their children to discover strategies for dealing with emotionally difficult situations.

5. They instill values ​​in their children.

Values ​​are the beliefs that each person considers important to themselves and to all of humanity. Since they strongly influence our behaviors, attitudes, and decisions, values ​​are important in parenting. Emotionally intelligent parents define and communicate their values ​​to their children. However, they realize that simply telling their children to be more honest, diligent, grateful, or compassionate does not work better than telling adults to do so. They formulate the values ​​they uphold, and they name and reinforce the expression of values. They discuss why they make certain decisions based on their values, and encourage their children's initiatives that express emerging values.

6. They develop intrinsic motivation for their children. 

Intrinsic motivation is the ability to persevere and persist in a task despite obstacles and without seeking approval from others. Emotionally intelligent parents help their children set goals (whether those goals relate to academics, chores at home, hobbies, or even fun activities) and help their children visualize the steps needed to achieve those goals. They reinforce their children's efforts in a task rather than the result and teach and model a love of challenge and perseverance in the face of difficulties.

7. Quality time

They Spend quality time as a family every day! You cannot afford to make being too busy and hustling a sentence that affects your family’s bonding! Spend time praying, talking, having fun, playing board games, have meals together! Make it a priority to spend quality time doing what you enjoy as a family. Additionally, create some family traditions and rituals that encourage bonding.

8. They Help their child identify his or her feelings and validate them.

If the child can't identify his feelings, how is he supposed to monitor them or read the feelings of others?  So They Let their children experience their feelings. They Encourage them to express how they feel (angry, frustrated, sad, excited, scared, etc.) about things going on in their life or even in their interaction with you.

Emotionally intelligent parents  Help their children to identify or label the feelings if they can't name them. Then they make sure to validate their feelings once they've expressed them. For example, you can use clarifying statements such as, "I can see that you're struggling with some feelings. I can only guess what you're feeling but from the outside it looks like it might be sadness. Is that what you are feeling?" This type of response invites your child to go inside, label the emotion and invites them to talk. The more practice you give your child, the better they will be able to identify and make sense of their feelings.

Sources:

.psychologytoday.com/6-things-emotionally-intelligent-parents-do-differently

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Why Parents Today Aren't Strict Enough

Why Parents Today Aren't Strict Enough

Why Parents Today Aren't Strict Enough

Why Parents Today Aren't Strict Enough

Recently I was leaving the schoolyard with my six-year-old daughter when we

were overtaken by a mother trying to get her second-grade daughter and four-year-old son out of the park. The boy was underwhelmed with the mom's action plan and, as retaliation, clocked the mom in the back of her head with his aluminum water bottle. She winced — the blow was audible, then kept moving with only a question marking the moment,"You wanted to stop at the cookie place?" 

He nodded. 

She nodded. 

They kept walking. 

No! I screamed in my head. No! That is not an acceptable way for him to give you feedback! He does not get to cast his vote by beaning you! 

I turned to my daughter. "Sophie," I said, kneeling down to catch her eye."If you ever hit me — or anyone else — in the head…I will end you. Are we clear?" 

She nodded. 

This is a conversation Sophie and I have had over the years when we've witnessed someone in her age range doing something unacceptable that goes unremarked on by their caregiver or parent. The list includes: throwing fistfuls of rice in an adult's face, spitting mouthfuls of food in public, screaming like banshees, and hitting strangers. None of this by anyone under the age of four, mind you. None of this from children with developmental disabilities. These were all neuro-typical children who had never gotten any feedback that there are things we just don't do. 

I have sat in enough restaurants watching unfettered children run past servers balancing scalding bowls of soup to know that our generation seems to be discipline handicapped. 
I have sat in enough restaurants watching unfettered children run past servers balancing scalding bowls of soup to know that our generation seems to be discipline handicapped. From sleep training to tantrums we are a generation of parents who have a conflicted relationship with boundaries and feedback of all kinds. 

Recently I was talking with Susan Peirce Thompson, a Ph.D. in brain and cognitive science, about raising her three daughters. She mentioned that the one who doesn't like to go to bed used to come downstairs and ask scientific questions after her bedtime, hoping to lure her like-minded mother into more conversation."I would just say, 'I'm not going to answer that now.' Short, simple. Because that's just behavioral psychology. Don't reward any behavior you don't want to see again." 

You mean, like by buying it a cookie??? 

I completely understand not wanting to deal. As parents today, increasingly in dual-income homes, we are stretched thin. And typically those moments that they test the boundaries are exactly when we, too, are so tired we just want to keep things moving. But, unfortunately, that is the exact moment you have to harness a little extra will to impose a Think Time, or whatever your preferred method is. And that might mean on the sidewalk, or in the grocery store, or standing outside Frozen on Ice while the show starts. There were nights I was bone tired and just wanted to have a nice evening with Sophie, but she would test me and my first thought was, "Dammit, I do not want to do this now." But I also knew if I didn't let her know that defying me was not okay it would lead to greater problems down the road. 

Because, make no mistake, left unchecked bad behavior rolls right along. One minute you have a toddler punching her mother until she gets quieted with an ice cream — and the next you have a Real Housewife. Undisciplined toddlers become obnoxious children who grow into spoiled teenagers and entitled adults. And at some point on your life's journey you have met one of each of these. And I bet you wished that somebody had put that person in their place. 

Our generation is hampered because, after much therapy, we are deeply aware that our children are cognizant, conscious humans in a way previous generations weren't aware. Children were treated like pets or — worse — release-valves for their parents' stresses and fears, then expected to magically transform into healthy, functional adults. Which is why we're the most overweight, addicted, medicated generation in history. 
We are trying to break that cycle. 

But discipline is part of creating an integrated functional adult — it doesn't make you the bad guy. Children aren't damaged by discipline, they're damaged by cruelty. And it's not cruel to marry a behavior choice a child makes with a suitable consequence. I put Sophie in Think Time when she refuses to sit in the slippery tub when I have asked her to repeatedly, or not gotten out 10 minutes past when I said it was time, or deliberately not helped clean up a mess she made. 

I admit it — in our overly permissive culture I am strict. Because I learned the hard way looking after other people's children on foot in New York City that the only way to keep them safe was to ensure that they unquestioningly followed my instructions when we left the apartment. What I quickly realized was that if I was clear about what I expected in the first few days I never had issues again. Shoes were put on promptly, intersections were avoided, voices were lowered on buses. All to the greater point that once those things are sorted you can focus on having fun. My daughter is beautifully behaved in restaurants so in the privacy of our home we have spectacular burping contests. 

And that's the paradox of discipline. It's as true in my work as my parenting. Creativity actually flourishes within boundaries. Whether it's the border of a canvas, the confines of a commission or the structure of an assignment. Once an artist knows what the structure is they can let their imagination soar. The same is true of children. They crave boundaries. They repeat unwanted behavior, like tantrums and violence, because they're escalating it, waiting for someone to care enough to tell them no. 

They crave boundaries. They repeat unwanted behavior, like tantrums and violence, because they're escalating it, waiting for someone to care enough to tell them no. 
They might not react with gratitude in the moment, of course, but, in the long term, kids who know that there are clear rules feel more secure. And Dr. Brene Brown has documented this all the way up through college. 

So the next time your child does something you never want to see again let them know exactly that. Get down on their level, make eye contact, and, without raising your voice, firmly say, "I don't ever want to see you do that again, do you understand?" Then ask them to repeat it back to you in their own words to make sure they've actually understood. You'll be doing them a favor in the long run, I promise. 

And if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for me. I so don't want to spend my sixties dodging beer bottles from put-out twenty something’s. 

Source: womansday.com 

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Healthy Communication with Your Child

Healthy Communication with Your Child

Healthy Communication with Your Child

Healthy Communication with Your Child

Healthy Communication Elements: 

• Teaching 
• Listening 
• Praising 
• I-Message 
• Problem Exploration 
• Sharing 

The Importance of Communication 

Parents communicate all of the time with their children. Often, these interactions are healthy and help to build the children’s self-esteem and promote responsibility. 

Your conversations can enhance the quality of your relationship with your children and the degree to which your children grow up with a sense of safety and security. At other times, the words and messages sent are harmful and destructive. 

However, even when you are angry or need to discipline your children, you can communicate respectfully. By consciously choosing words that do not blame or shame, you can help your children see themselves as competent 

and capable members of your family. 

Through the effective use of words, parents can create a climate of love, acceptance, hope and 

support that can inspire children to reach their potential and can sustain them during times of stress. 

These messages are communicated verbally through your words, as well as non-verbally through your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. So remember, how you say things is as important, or more so, than what you say. 

Parents can send these healthy messages to their children through listening, talking about their own feelings, teaching, praising, and problem solving. There is no right technique to use in any particular situation. Parents can use any of these methods in healthy ways that will improve their relationship with their children, either in one–on-one communications, family conversations, or during more formal family meetings. 

Language that supports children is: 

non-judgmental and provides objective information. 

tentative and flexible to allow for mistakes, differing opinions and possibilities. 

specific to the situation and does not include words such as “always” and “never”. 

finds the positive in a difficult trait, behavior or situation. 

Language Sharing Attitude: 

Not only is language one of the primary ways that people communicate their feelings and attitudes, but it actually can shape how parents think about and view their children. 

Awareness of the language they use allows parents to determine what “mirrors” they hold up to their children about how lovable and how capable their children are. These simple but very powerful tools positively influence how parents view their children and how their children think about themselves. 

Using effective language can promote an attitude of resilience and optimism in their children. The more children feel good about themselves, the more likely they are to be motivated to learn and incorporate necessary changes into their life. 

To test how healthy your communication is, ask yourself afterwards: 

“Do I feel good about myself?” 

“Do my children feel good about themselves?” 

“Is our relationship preserved?” 

If the answer to all three questions is “yes,” then you are putting the power of your words to good use. 

Overview of Healthy Communication Techniques: 

Teaching 

Parents act as teachers, mentors, and models. When parents use a respectful approach, children are better able to understand and learn from them. 

Be clear and specific with children when explaining new things. 

Break tasks down into smaller, more manageable tasks. 

Show them what to do. 

Work with them until you and they know what needs to be done. 

Encourage them to ask questions so that they can get clear about what you are asking them to do. 

Talk about consequences of behaviors. For example, what happens when chores are not completed? 

Invite children to provide feedback on how things are going. 

The goal is to work together as a team, as a family. 

Listening 

One of the most effective skills you can learn to use as a parent is that of listening to your children. Listening involves really hearing what is going on for your children and even “mirroring” back those feelings to show that you understand what they are feeling. 

“It looks like you are really angry about having to wash the dishes.” 

“You are having a hard time deciding who to invite to your party.” 

“You are disappointed that you did not get a better grade on your project.” 

In each of the above examples, the parent simply stated what she heard going on for the child by listening to the child’s words and by seeing the child’s body language. 

One benefit of “listening” to your children is that you can slow down the urge to jump in and immediately “solve” your children’s problems. By listening, you can allow yourself the time to get clear on what the next step might be in handling a situation. Sometimes you may decide that a situation needs nothing more than for you to listen and acknowledge feelings. 

By listening, you allow children the opportunity to vent their often intense feelings and you send a very powerful message of compassion. When you allow those feelings without judgment or criticism, children feel valued. 

Praising 

One of the best ways to motivate children to learn and become more responsible is by praising and affirming what they do. Ideally, you can identify the specific things that they have worked on or accomplished. 

Rather than just saying “Good job,” you can say, 

“I appreciate your so including your younger sister in the game that you were playing with your friends today. That is what I call being kind.”

A child will be more internally motivated if you give him the words to help him identify the feelings associated with the action. 

For a child who is having trouble starting and completing a job, you can help motivate him to do more by praising the process and by acknowledging even small steps that are taken in the right direction. 

With young children, praise should be immediate to be most effective. 

“You were such a helper putting the dishes in the sink.” 

With older children, praise can come either immediately or later during a quiet moment, such as at bedtime. 

“That was such a grown-up thing you did earlier today by donating your allowance to the hurricane victims. It must make you feel proud to be able to help those in need.” 

I-message 

What to say when we are upset? Using an “I” Message is a way to express your own needs, expectations, problems, feelings or concerns to your children in a respectful way that does not attack them. They also model for your children a healthy way to express strong feelings.

This communication skill is often a good first response to your children when you do not like their behavior; although it does not necessarily result in them changing their behavior, it does give you time to get clear about what is upsetting to you and why. 

An “I” Message consists of three main parts: 

• Describe the specific behavior 
• Describe how you feel 
• Describe the tangible and specific effect of the behavior on you. 

For example: 

“When you won’t leave Billy’s house when I say it is time to go, I get upset because I have to get home to cook dinner before I go to my meeting tonight.” 

Problem Exploration 

Learning the skill of problem exploration will help you to deal with some of the struggles you have with your children, help your children to feel that they can contribute to solutions to problems rather than seeing themselves as being the problem, and can strengthen the relationship you have with your children.

Before you meet with your child, it is important that you check your attitudes toward problems, clarify the situation, determine whether the situation/behavior is the result of a challenging, but normal developmental stage, that it is you who owns the problem rather than your child, and that you cannot accept the behavior. 

Once you have prepared, you can select a calm time to discuss the situation with your child. You will want to have a discussion about the situation from each of your perspectives and then brainstorm possible solutions. From the ideas generated, you and your child can create a plan that you both agree upon which addresses problem and includes such specifics as what is to happen, what is the consequence for non-compliance, and a meeting time to evaluate the effectiveness of the plan. 

You can model and teach your children how to approach and solve problems with confidence. In the end, they learn an essential life skill that they will be able to use in all facets of their life as they grow into adulthood. 

Sharing 

Often when parents think of things that their children need, they focus on the material things in life that are tangible and concrete: they need clothes, they need school supplies, they need medical care. Or they think of less tangible things such as sports and socialization options and activities. 

But actually, one of the most significant things that a parent can give to a child is his time and attention. Spending time with your children is the factor that will have the greatest impact on their feelings about themselves, on their self-esteem and on the health of the connection you have with your children. 

Source: centerforparentingeducation

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