10 Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser & How To Stop
When you put the others' needs before your own constantly, may seem noble, but it can lead to feelings of burnout and resentment, turning you into a people-pleaser at the expense of your well-being. This behavior often stems from a deep desire for approval, involving sacrificing your own peace to keep others happy.
One clear sign of being a people-pleaser is frequently canceling your own plans to meet your friends' needs or denying your own rights and privileges to make others feel better. These actions may seem kind and considerate, which they are to an extent. But when you always prioritize others' requests and needs over your own, you are likely displaying unhealthy signs of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing involves meeting others' psychological needs, even at the cost of neglecting your own. A people-pleaser feels the need to sacrifice for others while sidelining their own needs. Even when there’s no reciprocation, a people-pleaser doesn't mind putting themselves in harm's way to help others.
When someone shows signs of people-pleasing, it's clear that their actions are driven by the hope of receiving some form of recognition from others. Often, these actions go unreciprocated, leading to feelings of bitterness, resentment, and sometimes even hatred towards others.
Do People-Pleasers Suffer from Low Self-Esteem?
90% of people-pleasers struggle with feelings of inadequacy and believe their actions will bring them a sense of fulfillment. The desire and eagerness to please others often stem from challenges related to low self-esteem.
Is People-Pleasing Linked to Personality Type?
Given how frequently people-pleasing habits appear in some individuals, many wonder if certain personality types are more prone to this behavior. People-pleasing is a habit that anyone can develop, typically as a psychological response to traumatic events in childhood.
This is why most people-pleasers often have a long history of psychological challenges, ranging from depression and anxiety to low self-esteem.
While there aren’t specific personality types prone to people-pleasing, it’s evident that most people-pleasers have experienced negative events or relational trauma early in life.
Since trauma can be a significant factor in shaping a person's personality and behavior, it’s no surprise that victims often adapt people-pleasing as a coping mechanism.
People-pleasing is linked to a personality trait known as "social orientation," which is characterized by excessive concern for pleasing others and gaining their approval as a means of maintaining relationships. This behavior can be a symptom of mental health conditions. The psychological disorders commonly associated with people-pleasing include:
- Anxiety or depression
- Avoidant personality disorder
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- Dependent personality disorder
Is People-Pleasing Bad?
People-pleasing has many negative side effects on a person’s mental health and can damage one's self-image and psychological stability. Beyond emotional exhaustion, people-pleasers often neglect their own needs because they invest most of their time, energy, and resources into meeting others' needs.
There’s also a high likelihood that a people-pleaser struggles with feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Besides the fact that others may exploit this, your self-worth becomes dependent on the approval of those around you.
10 Clear Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser
Many people mistake the actions of people-pleasers as traits of kindness, generosity, and goodwill. Moreover, most people-pleasers believe they are being selfish when they put themselves first. However, there are certain behaviors that distinguish acts of kindness from people-pleasing.
1- Low Self-Esteem/Weak Self-Image: The desire to please others stems from a need for acceptance. A people-pleaser feels they must be acknowledged by others to reinforce their sense of self-worth. Consequently, they rely on every compliment or praise from their peers to bolster their fragile self-esteem, making them slaves to others' desires.
2- Constant Need for Validation: Due to their weak self-worth, people-pleasers rely on others' opinions to feel good about themselves. For a people-pleaser, others' opinions hold more value than what they think of themselves.
3- Weak Boundaries: Boundaries are the life decisions and principles we live by. They allow us to define what is essential and prioritize our needs. For people-pleasers, this is different. Most either lack boundaries or struggle to maintain them.
4- Apologizing for Things They’re Not Responsible For: One sign of being a people-pleaser is apologizing for events or circumstances that aren’t their fault.
Read Also: 5 Reasons Why People-Pleasers Attracted To A Narcissist
5- Agreeing to Everything: A common sign of a people-pleaser is a habitual tendency to agree with everything.
6- Difficulty Saying “No”: People-pleasers have trouble with the word “no.” Whether out of fear or other reasons, they avoid it as much as possible.
7- Anxiety and Mental Health Challenges: Since most people-pleasers are victims of low self-esteem, it’s not surprising that they may also face other mental health issues like anxiety and high stress.
8- Not Expressing Their Feelings: A people-pleaser usually doesn’t like talking about their feelings. They feel more comfortable suppressing their emotions.
9- Stress and Perfectionism: Among the many signs of a people-pleaser is the desire for everything to be perfect, done in the best way possible without upsetting anyone. Their struggle with stress is a prevalent issue.
10- Fear of Rejection/Confrontation: Fear of rejection and confrontation is another reason why people-pleasers exist. They like to feel accepted by others because it enhances their self-worth.
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a process that requires awareness and practice. Here are some steps that can help you achieve that:
1- Recognize the Problem: The first step towards breaking free from people-pleasing is acknowledging that you have this habit. It might be helpful to note situations where you’ve tried to please others at the expense of yourself.
2- Boost Your Self-Confidence: People-pleasing often stems from low self-esteem. Work on building your confidence by focusing on your strengths and achievements. You can also practice positive affirmations and avoid comparing yourself to others.
3- Learn to Say “No”: The ability to say “no” is a crucial skill for breaking free from people-pleasing. You may feel guilty at first, but you must realize that saying “no” to others means saying “yes” to yourself.
4- Set Personal Boundaries: Set clear boundaries in your life and don’t hesitate to enforce them. Decide what you can and cannot accept in your relationships with others.
5- Identify Your Own Needs: Regularly ask yourself, “What do I need?” and “What do I truly want?” Focus on meeting your own needs and priorities before considering others’.
6- Practice Self-Awareness: Engage in meditation or relaxation exercises to enhance your self-awareness and emotions. This will help you recognize moments when you tend to please others and change your reactions.
7- Face Your Fear of Rejection: People-pleasing often stems from the fear of rejection. Try facing this fear by remembering that others' approval isn’t always necessary and that you can’t please everyone all the time.
8- Practice Expressing Your Feelings: Learn how to express your feelings and opinions clearly and healthily. Don’t be afraid to be honest with others about how you feel.
9- Talk to a Professional: If you find it difficult to break free from people-pleasing on your own, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who can help you manage this habit effectively.
10- Practice and Patience: Don’t expect to change overnight. Continue practicing these steps regularly, and over time, you’ll notice an improvement in your ability to break free from people-pleasing.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey towards self-respect and living in alignment with your values and personal needs.
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