5 ways to deal with a defensive person

5 ways to deal with a defensive person 

When you deal with a defensive person, do not expect him to accept criticism easily or he will allow you to express your remarks on his negative behavior, with an open mind, but you will often find that he will respond to you with counter-criticism or accusing you of negligence.

In the end, you will find yourself laden with more feelings of frustration and resentment for not understanding your feelings and needs. And it may reach to hurt your feelings or exceed the permissible limits in reactions

Defensive people when exposed to criticism, begin to defend their behavior and list a host of reasons why you are actually wrong. In other words, they become defensive any time you try to have a real conversation with them. 

This defensive stance appears as if they do not care about you or you feel that your feelings do not matter to them.

According to marriage and family therapist Jenin Estes, the defense style is actually "rarely intentional." Rather, she said, it is an unusual response in which a person protects himself from feelings of guilt and self-doubt, as defensive people have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and often feel uncomfortable about being "wrong". [This] because accepting responsibility will make them feel as though they have failed. "

Lisa Brooks Kift, a specialist in psychotherapy, said that defensive behavior may stem from difficult childhood periods or a traumatic past, which may make a person more likely to "react through a negative lens." Children often develop this behavior as a way to deal with difficult situations, then develop with them in adulthood into a bad habit, as individuals grow up overwhelmed with a vibration in self-esteem and a deep belief that they are not good enough. 

We cannot control the reactions or actions of others. But we can increase the chances of them hearing us by communicating with them in a constructive way.

Dealing with the defensive person: 

People can be defensive because they struggle with their self-esteem. It’s difficult to handle criticism when you already feel bad about yourself

usually people who engage in defensive behaviors aren't doing it for malicious reasons. Their only concern may be to feel better about what's happening. However, defensive behaviors are usually harmful for both the person doing them and those on the receiving end.

In short, defense mechanisms aren’t inherently a bad thing, but sometimes they are employed inappropriately, or in ways that prevent the individual from communicating effectively.

source: betterhelp.com

How to deal with Someone Who Always Gets Defensive

1- Avoid using "blame" language. 

• Do not start a sentence with "you," as in "you did not hear me again!" Or "You just don't care how I feel!"

• Avoid using "always" and "never". "These words leave no room for negotiation, and they can be very decisive, making a person stand up for their position."

• Start with a positive note. Tell the other person what they mean to you, such as: "You are a great friend and I am telling you this because I care about you ..." 

• Show your appreciation for what this person did, Estes said. “If they don't feel recognized for their good efforts and just hear how they erred again, they will feel defeated.” I appreciate the way you tried to handle our son’s tantrum in the store. I know it wasn't easy and I'm glad I'm not alone in it. You did your best.Can we talk about how we both deal with these public tantrums in the future?

2- Don't take it personally. 

It may help you avoid responding to their defense in a negative way so that you remember that it may not be something personal. As mentioned above, most defensive people learn to behave early in life. Sometimes it is because they themselves have been victims of emotional abuse.

3- Focus on your feelings. 

“Starting by expressing how you feel is a good way to disarm defensive behavior Say how you (your feelings) felt when they did (their behavior). Example: "I felt unimportant to you when I said we were going to dinner last night and then canceled the date at the last minute."

4- Communicate positively.

Make sure that you use the best communication style that helps you express your feelings without hindrance Ask the other person how they felt.

"Be genuinely curious about his reaction." Deep down, the other person might feel as though they are not good enough and need your sympathy. 

" For example, according to Estes, you might say, “My question seems to bother you. Is there something I said that makes you feel embarrassed?” Or “My comment seems to bother you. Did my comment make you feel attacked or hurt in any way?”

5- Keep calm.

Of course, it's not easy when someone isn't listening to you, or listing 20 reasons why they're right. But losing your cool adds more fuel to the fire. "Put out that flame and keep focusing on simply and calmly." Slow down and take several deep breaths. If you cannot calm down, tell the person that you need to take a break.

Source: psychcentral.com