What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Normal Shame

What is toxic shame? 

Toxic shame is the feeling of being worthless. It happens when others treat you badly and that feeling turns into a belief about yourself. You are more susceptible to this type of abuse during childhood or adolescence. When you feel toxic shyness, you see yourself as useless, or at best, not as good as others.

What is the shame?

People who experience shame try to hide the thing they are ashamed of. When Shame is chronic, it may involve feeling that you are fundamentally flawed

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises in connection with the idea of ​​doing something shameful, immoral, or inappropriate. While shame is a negative emotion, it does play a role in the survival of the human race. Without shame, we may not feel the need to adhere to cultural norms, follow laws, or act in a way that allows us to exist as social beings. Since we want to be accepted, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check.

Shame usually arises when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things that you have little control over. This negative self-evaluation often has its roots in the messages you received from others, especially during your childhood. When parents or teachers criticize you, rather than any bad behavioral choices you might have made, they sowed a seed of shame.

• Shame focuses on your identity as a person, and becomes especially toxic when it starts affecting your sense of self. 
• Toxic Shame opens the door to anger, self-loathing, and other unwanted emotions. 
• It can make you feel small and worthless.
• It can flow into your inner dialogue like poison, trapping you in a painful cycle of negative self-talk. 
• When toxic shame continues unresolved, the desire to hide from it or run away from yourself can lead to harmful behaviors such as drug use or self-harm.

What is the difference between shame and guilt? 

To understand how shame can become toxic, let's take a step back to explore the difference between shame and guilt, the two self-conscious feelings often confused. Guilt is associated with specific actions, such as: 

• Make a mistake 
• Do something you know you shouldn't do 
• Causing harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise

People often find it easier to discuss guilt, perhaps in part because guilt means remorse. It can be natural to talk about a transgression when you regret it and want to repair any damage you caused. Like guilt, shame can promote behavior change, because disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making the same mistake. But shyness is about your sense of self, and it can go deeper, so these feelings can persist long after you've apologized or made up for what's going on. Toxic shame refers to the shame that persists and begins to pollute the way you see yourself.

Shame-Based Beliefs

• I’m stupid.
• I’m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner).
• I’m a failure.
• I’m a fraud.
• I’m selfish.
• I’m not enough (this belief can be applied to numerous areas).
• I hate myself.
• I’m defective or inadequate.
• I shouldn’t have been born.
• I’m unlovable.

'Normal' vs. 'Toxic' Shame 

If we feel guilty for an act that has hurt someone, this is the healthy version of shame. This feeling tells us that something is going against our value system. It is a signal to amend and correct the situation so that we can renew our state of well-being. Once we forgive (if we were wronged) or ask for forgiveness (if we were the hurting one), let go. On the other hand, unhealthy shame is when we allow ourselves to be defined by a weakness or something we have no control over.

Child development experts have known for years that a person's core personality is affected and formed mostly by the time they reach the age of ten. So the way the caregiver deals with the child plays the most important role in how a person sees themselves in adulthood. In the area of ​​shame, something as simple as how to admit a feeling without realizing the words being used can be mishandled. It is fairly common, for example, for parents to quickly rate a child as "shy," "stubborn," or "always whiny." Usually this is done in full view of the child, who quickly assimilates such characterizations as his or her norm.

A wise parent evaluates each circumstance and instead states that the child feels shy in a particular situation, such as in meeting new people. It's not "who they are" but what they feel at the time. People grow up feeling ashamed for having the right feelings. This can then create a fear of failure and lower self-worth, which prevents them from trying new things or expanding their boundaries.

Characteristics of Toxic Shame

Toxic shame differs from ordinary shame that passes within a day or a few hours in the following ways: It can hide in the subconscious, so that we do not realize that we are shamed. 

When we feel shame, it lasts longer.

 The feelings and pain associated with shame are more intense. 

• It does not require an external event to run. Our thoughts can bring feelings of shame. 
• It leads to cycles of shame that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
• It causes chronic "shame anxiety" - the fear of feeling ashamed.
• It is accompanied by sounds, images, or beliefs that originated in childhood and are associated with a negative "story of shame" about ourselves. 
• We do not need to remember the original source of immediate shame, which usually arose in childhood or a past trauma. 
• It creates deep feelings of inadequacy

What causes toxic shame?

There are many potential causes of toxic shame, most of which are rooted in childhood experiences, such as various forms of abuse, neglect, trauma, or an unstable living environment.

Here is a comprehensive list of the causes of toxic shame: 

• Verbal, physical and emotional abuse 
• Neglect Caregivers with mental health problems
• Being in an environment where any type of domestic violence occurs painful experiences 
• Emotionally unavailable caregivers
• Mental health problems such as depression or anxiety
• Being harassed or rejected 
• Being a victim of gas-lighting narcissistic abuse

If not cured, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. It also breeds low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and dependence, and limits our ability to enjoy fulfilling relationships and career success. 

 How to recover from toxic shame

It is possible to overcome toxic shame and change the way you think. Self-compassion is key to the process. You also need self-awareness, vigilance, and patience. Try these tips for overcoming toxic shame.

1. Face the roots of your shame. It is important to understand and examine your feelings. Find why you feel ashamed to move on. 
2.  Be aware of the way you talk to yourself. Try to notice your own thoughts but don't react to them. 
3. Have a self compassion. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Even if it seems like your mistakes were serious, accept that you are only human. Learn from the past, but don't get stuck in it.
4.  Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness and meditation can do wonders when you learn to monitor your thoughts. Feeling ashamed forces you to respond, so it can be very powerful to notice and question your thoughts.
5. Know when you feel shy. Mindfulness can help alert you when you feel shy. If you are, mention it to a friend or partner. Shame thrives in dark places, so shine a light on it and watch its power fade. ? 
6.  Ask for support. A support network can give you an outlet to talk about things when necessary and reinforce your sense of belonging. 
7. Talk to a professional. Shame can be so pervasive that working through it alone can seem daunting, but don't lose hope. A trained and emotional therapist can provide guidance and support as you begin to explore its origins, identify its impact on your life, and practice confronting it when it creeps into self-talk.

Sources:

.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame

psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame

healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame#normal-vs-toxic-shame