14 Destructive Traits Of A Narcissistic Mother
Children depend on their parents for love, support and encouragement. It can be really painful to grow up with a parent who deprives a child of these emotional security blankets. Unfortunately, this is the reality of children who grow up with narcissistic mothers.
A narcissistic mother is unable to give her child the full attention and validation they need to feel loved and emotionally secure. This may affect a child's beliefs, behaviors, and self-esteem into adulthood.
What is narcissism (Narcissistic personality disorder) ?
Narcissism means excessive self-love or selfishness, and it is a personality disorder characterized by arrogance, arrogance, a sense of importance and an attempt to gain even at the expense of others.
This word is attributed to a Greek legend, in which it was stated that Narxos was a sign of beauty and he adored himself to death when he saw his face in the water.
A narcissistic mother may feel entitled or self-important, seek admiration from others, believe she is above others, lack empathy, take advantage of her children, degrade others, suffer from hypersensitivity to criticism, think she deserves special treatment, and worst of all, denying the harm she causes to others.
In addition, a narcissistic mother may use her children to achieve her goals and desires, to the detriment of the child's desires and even emotional or physical needs. As a result, children of narcissistic mothers may grow up feeling confused, weak, inferior, and unloved.
Here are 14 Traits Of Narcissistic Mothers.
1.Perpetual Denial.
There is always an easy excuse or explanation for every harmful behavior. Where atrocities are put into loving terms. Aggressive and hostile actions are presented as having deep aims. Selfish manipulations are given as gifts.
The criticisms and slanders are maliciously disguised as being out of concern and concern for you. They only want what's best for you. And she just wants to help you.
Many of her careless actions are simply by comparison. She'll talk about how great someone else was or about the great work they did at something you did too. So I told you you're not good without saying a word.
She will spoil your happiness with something simply by congratulating you on it but in an angry and envious voice expressing how upset she is, again, these are completely deniable actions. It is impossible to confront someone on the tone of their voice or the way they look at you.but once your narcissistic mother has trained you, she can promise you a horrific punishment without a word. As a result, you are always afraid, you are always wrong, and you cannot say why.
Since her abuse is part of a lifelong campaign of control and eager to justify her abuse, it is very difficult to explain to others what is bad about her.
2. She violates your limits.
You feel like an extension of her. Your possessions are held without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten from your plate or served to others from your plate. Your property may be repossessed and for no other reason than that it was never your property.
Times and appointments that belong to you are adhered to without telling you, and opinions that purport to belong to you are expressed. She monitors your bodily functions and humiliates you by disclosing information it collects about you, especially when it can be used to show her devotion and highlight her citation for your needs ("Mike had this problem with frequent bedwetting too, only it was so much worse I was so worried about him!").
You never knew what it would be like to be private in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she's checking your stuff regularly. She asks curious questions, intrudes on your email/letter/diary/conversations. You will want to research your feelings, especially painful ones, and are always looking for negative information about you that can be used against you.
She does things against your frequently stated desires. All this is done without embarrassment or thinking. Any attempt to gain autonomy on your part is severely resisted. The normal rites of passage (the kind of haircut or shaving, makeup, dating) are only reluctantly allowed if you insist, and are punished for this insistence ("Since you are old enough yet, I think you are old enough to pay for your clothes!"). If you demand age-appropriate clothing, care, control of your life, or rights, you are a rebel and will mock your "independence."
3. She use Favoritism between children.
Narcissistic mothers typically choose one child (sometimes more) to be the golden child and the other (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist gets to know the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does exactly as he or she wants. The golden child must be diligently cared for by everyone in the family.
The scapegoat has no needs and instead takes care of it. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions among the children, one of whom has a great investment in being a wise and wonderful mother, and the other who hates her.
This division will be reinforced by the narcissist with lies and with unfair and favored behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother's actions.
The golden child may also take over the narcissistic mother directly by physically abusing the scapegoat so that the narcissistic mother does not have to do it herself.
4. She undermines (cracking the shells).
Your achievements are only recognized to the extent that they can benefit from them. Any success or achievement that she cannot take credit for or benefit from is ignored.
Anytime you're center stage and there's no chance for her to be the center of attention, she'll try to block the occasion altogether, not show up, leave early, act like she's not a big deal, steal the spotlight or slip in painful little comments about how much you've improved Someone else or how you did not as much as you could have done or what you think.
She will highlight any small lapses associated with your successes, so that you find your joy in what you have done is spoiled, without saying anything about them directly. No matter how successful you are, it has to take you down.
5. She Belittle, criticize and slander.
She lets you know, in every way, that she doesn't think of you any more than she thinks of your siblings or other people in general. If you complain about being mistreated by someone else, you will take sides with that person even if you don't know them at all. She doesn't care about these people or the fairness of your complaint. She just wants to tell you that you are never right.
She will make generalized barbs that are almost impossible to refute (always in a loving and nurturing tone): “You were always a tough kid” “You can be very hard to love” “You don’t seem to be able to finish anything” “You were a very hard kid to get by” With him ""You always cause trouble" "No one can stand the things you do." You'll throw blows sideways.
For example, she will complain that “nobody” loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she will complain that “everyone” is “too selfish” when you are the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism and denial.
A few small comments will bring into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too but she didn't like very much. She will let you know that her relationship with someone else that you both know is great in some way that you and her weren't - the carefully unspoken message is that you don't matter much to her.
They belittle, distort, or ignore your opinions and experiences. Your view is met with condescension, denial, and accusations ("I think you read too much!") and your information will be ignored even on subjects for which you are a recognized expert. Everything you say is met with amusing smiles or exaggerated exclamations (“Ah!” “You don’t!” “Really!”). She'll then explain that she didn't listen to a word you said.6. She Make you look crazy.
If you try to confront her about something she did to you, she will tell you that you have a "very sick imagination" (a phrase commonly used by abusers of all kinds to negate your experience of abuse) to appear that she doesn't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about .
She will claim that she will not even remember the most memorable events, categorically deny that they ever happened, and will never admit any possibility that she may have forgotten. This is a very aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” and it is common with abusers of all kinds.
Your perceptions of reality are constantly undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory, or your thinking abilities. This makes you a much better victim of the abuser.
Narcissists routinely use gaslighting. Either the narcissist will hint or he will openly tell you that you are mentally unstable, or else you will not believe such silly things or be uncooperative. You are very sensitive. You are imagining things. You are hysterical. You are completely illogical. You overreact like you always do.
She will describe you as a neurotic or psychotic. Once you have formed these fantasies of your emotional ailments, you will tell others about them, as always, present their distortions as an expression of anxiety and declare themselves a helpless victim. Didn't do anything. She has no idea why you are so irrationally angry with her.
She claims that you hurt her terribly. You think you may need psychotherapy. She loves you so much and will do anything to make you happy, but she doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
She has at the same time absolved herself of any responsibility for your apparent hatred towards her, insinuating that this is something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermines your credibility with her listeners. She plays the passionate mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.
7. She is envious.
Anytime she gets something nice she is angry and envious and her envy will show when she likes anything. She will try to get it from you, spoil it for you, get the same or better for herself. She is always working on finding ways to get what others have.
Envy of narcissistic mothers often includes that she get herself involved in comparison & competition with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They will try to prevent their daughters from grooming, or taking care of themselves in an age-appropriate manner.
8. She is Liar.
In many ways she is unreliable. Anytime she talks about something of emotional significance to her, sure she is lying. Lying is one way you create conflict in relationships and the lives of those around them — she will lie to them about what other people have said, done, or how they feel.
She will lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior, or about your situation in order to inflate herself and undermine your credibility. Narcissists are very careful about how they lie. To strangers, she will lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if you encounter her lie. It spins what you said rather than making something wholesale. She puts up dishonest explanations for things she's already done.
She may engage in pre-emptive lying. she lies in advance to ignore what she might say before she says it. Then when you talk about what you did, you will be interrupted by saying "I already know all about him...your mother told me...(self-justifications and lies)".
Since she's so eager to deny it, it can be very hard to catch her lies and her most gullible friends may never realize how dishonest they are. To you, you will blatantly lie. She will claim that she is unable to remember the bad things she did, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something memorable.
Of course, if you try to activate her memory by recounting the circumstances, she will respond, “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was a very long time ago. Why do you have to show your old grudges?”
Your conversations with her are full of casual swearing and misleading lies and she just doesn't respect you enough to make her look good. For example, you'd start with a self-serving lie: "If I don't pay my taxes, I'll lose three thousand dollars!" She frames her lie with an obvious fact: "No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the tax credit. You'll only lose about eight hundred dollars." And when you confront her, her response is: Isn't that what I said?
You are now in a game with only one rule: you can't win On the rare occasions that you are forced to admit some bad behavior, you will undeniably craft the confession. She "guess" that "maybe" she "may" have done something wrong.
The irregularities are always heavily woven and trimmed to make it look less sharp and noticeable. The words 'I think', 'maybe' and 'maybe' themselves lie because they know exactly what you did.
9. She is attention seeker.
She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is characteristic of narcissists, especially narcissistic mothers whose children are there to be sources of attention and adoration.
A narcissistic mother may take advantage of religious occasions, holidays, and family gatherings so that she can be the center of attention, and she will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, especially the child you consider a scapegoat.
She often invites herself into an unwelcome place. If she visits or visits you, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining itself is unimaginable.
She would always elude, manipulate, or get angry if she tried to do anything without her, didn't want to entertain her, refused to wait for her, thwarted her plans for drama, or otherwise deprived her of attention.
You have to rush over to her side, pat her hand, cry over her pain, and listen sympathetically to her endless complaints about how hard and awful it is.If you don't show the world that you're giving her the attention you're trying to manipulate to get her, she will look bad in the eyes of society and possibly bear legal responsibility.
10. She is feeling manipulator.
She manipulates your feelings to feed on your pain. This strange and exceptionally sick behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them "emotional vampires." Some of this emotional nourishment comes in the form of pure sadism.
She does and says things just to get hurt or engage in torture or harassment or make you feel sensitive things about her, all the while bringing a smile to her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you scary stories, and then made fun of you for being a child when you cried.
She'll enter a hurtful comment into the conversation and smile happily at your aching face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she presses you or says painful things to you.
She may bring up painful topics for you and explore them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampire at its best. It is emotionally nourished by your pain.
This peculiar form of emotional manipulation combines attention-seeking behavior with vulnerabilities that will cause suffering to the victims. Since narcissistic mothers often play the role of the martyr, this may take the form of the painful and self-pitying dramas that she carefully produces in which she is the star performer.She cries and cries that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, she doesn't want to live, she wants to die! want to die! You won't realize how much she cares how much manipulation of their feelings and self-pity elicits feelings of guilt and sympathy from others.
11. She uses intimidation.
For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of victim control, and your narcissistic mother ruthlessly used it to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware of their anger even when they are not present.
Your narcissistic mother can turn on the feelings of fear within you with silence or a look. Not all narcissists physically abuse, but most do, often in subtle, denial ways.It allows them to vent their anger at your failure to be the solution to their inner corruption and at the same time teaches you to be afraid of them.
You may not have been beaten, but you are almost certainly left to endure physical pain when any normal mother would be supposed to put in the effort to ease your suffering.
This type of deniable behavior allows her to store her anger and mitigate the punishment for later when you've laid a tight rationale for her abuse, you're left hungry because you "eat too much". Or you always went to school with the flu because you're a naughty kid who loves to play. (She resents having to take care of you. You have so many problems that you get sick and overburden her.).
If one of your siblings is being beaten up, you may be sure to see that scene. Until fear is implanted inside you effortlessly, without raising her hand towards you.
12. She is exploitative.
She will manipulate to get work, money, or things that others will envy. This includes her children, of course. If she created a bank account for you, she was a custodian of the account and has the right to withdraw funds. Or you may loan large sums of money from banks in your name, which could expose you to legal penalties.
If she makes an agreement with you, it is violated at the moment when it
no longer serves her needs. If you try to ask her to stick to the
agreement, she ignores you and punishes you later so you know not to
encounter her
again.
Sometimes, a narcissist takes advantage of a child to absorb the punishment she would have suffered from an angry partner. The husband returns home in a state of anger, and the mother immediately complains about the child's bad behavior, so the father vents the anger in the poor child.
Sometimes a narcissistic mother simply uses the child to maintain a toxic marital relationship because the alternative for her is divorce or having to go to work. The child is sexually harassed but the mother never notices it, or worse, she calls the child a liar. When he tells the mother about being sexually harassed.
13. She is a blamer.
She will blame you for everything that is not right in her life, for what other people do, or for what happened. Always, she will blame you for mistreating her. you made her do it. Only if it wasn't that hard. you bothered her so much that she couldn't think properly.
Things were hard for her and your talk pushed her to the brink. This blame is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you unjustly, and when you complain to her, her response is to bemoan the uncivilized children.
She will do something blatantly exploitative for you, and when you confront her she will yell at you so much that she can't believe you were so selfish that she annoys her about this trivial thing. She will also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel, and exploitative behavior.
14. She destroys your relationships.
Narcissistic mothers are like hurricanes: wherever they land, families are torn apart and wounds are caused. Unless the fathers controls the narcissist and brings the family together, adult siblings in families with distinctly narcissistic mothers have traumatic relationships.
Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and duty-driven, or they may not even talk to each other at all. To some extent, these women foster discord among their children because they enjoy controlling everyone so that these children only communicate through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears.
Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children's lives. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you have no sympathy for their misery. Narcissism feeds anger, contempt, and envy—the most corrosive emotions—to break up its children. While her children still live at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist is guaranteed to punish the rest.
In her passion for revenge, the narcissist intentionally turns the siblings' anger into the rebellious brother by involving everyone in her revenge on him. ("I can see that no one here likes me! Well, I'm going to take those Christmas presents back to the store. None of you want anything I bring to you anyway!") And so the other kids, long trained by narcissists to give in, are furious. Of a feisty child, rather than a narcissist who really deserves his wrath.
Narcissists also use favoritism and gossip to poison their children's relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a domineering and brutal creature. But as usual for the lucky ones, other children do not see her injustice and justify her violations. In fact, they are often recruited by narcissists to adopt their disdainful and vindictive attitude toward scapegoats and with their tacit or explicit permission, will lead to further abuse.
After her children pursue adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each abreast of the actions of the others, and transmits the most slanderous and distorted gossip of all (as is always the case, disguised as "anxiety") about the other children, once again, generating feelings Hatred and contempt instead of mercy between children.
Although she may never compliment you in the face, it is likely that she will use your bids to calibrate and humiliate your brother who is not working towards her well. She will tell him how generous you are and how satisfied she is with you, and leave him angrily wondering how to win her over so that he can become the favorite child in your stead.The end result is a family in which nearly all communication is triangular (divide and conquer). Narcissist, the spider at the center of the family web, sensitively monitors all children for information she can use to maintain her unchallenged control of the family. Then you pass it on to others, creating a state of resentment that prevents them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The upshot is that the only communication between kids is through the narcissist, exactly the way you want them to.
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