4 Tactics Manipulators Use to Control You

Manipulators use a plethora of deception tactics that distort the reality of their victims, ultimately leaving them feeling confused and lost, and even making them think that they are at fault and not the aggressor. 

Many of us do not realize that we are a victim of manipulation. Even when we have an uncomfortable feeling inside that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped in order to agree to a request. Most people respond to manipulation in ways that increase the frequency of abuse or give the abuser more opportunities to manipulate them.

Manipulative tactics Manipulation may include outright aggression, such as criticism, and overt intimidation, and there are subtle forms of manipulation such as manipulation of guilt, complaint, comparison, lying, denial, feigning ignorance or innocence (eg "Who? Me!?"), blame, and bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions,” setbacks, emotional blackmail, evasion, forgetfulness, inattention, false anxiety, sympathy, false apologies, false compliments, gifts and favors. 

Here are 4 of the most important manipulation tactics:

1. Lying.

Manipulative characters don't want you to know what's inside of them or what they're going to do. Lying helps keep them one step ahead of you. However, lying is the most effective behavior of manipulation and avoidance of responsibility. 

Manipulative personalities not only lie frequently, but sometimes even when there is no clear or useful purpose for the lie. They are also experts at lying in a variety of ways, some of which are very subtle. For the manipulative personality, lying serves many purposes. But basically, lying serves to give the manipulator an advantage over someone else. This would balance the playing field in their favor in your encounters with them.

But manipulative characters don't want to be just one step ahead of you. They even want to keep you in the dark and distraction.

There are so many ways to lie that it is almost impossible to list them all. But manipulative people are well versed in even the most subtle ways of lying, and are adept at using various forms of lying.

One of the subtle methods of lying is lying by omission. Often, all they have to do is make sure they're not telling the whole truth about something. It's as simple as omitting very important details or something crucial to understanding the whole picture. Sometimes what a person doesn't say or don't do can be a more effective manipulative tool.

2. Denial.

This is not unconscious denial, such as not realizing that you have been abused, being addicted, or avoiding facing hard facts. This is conscious denial to disavow knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Troubled personalities often use denial (i.e., unwillingness to admit their mistake) as a tactic to pretend innocence, and to control others.

Denial includes: 

• Dismissal: Dismissing pushes away a fact as unworthy of attention. Example: "That was so long ago I can't remember what actually happened. Haven't you gotten over that?"
• Justification: Justifying rationalizes a fact to make it sound reasonable. Example: "Your father was disciplining you for your own good because you were out of control and needed a firm hand."
• Minimization: Minimizing acknowledges a fact but reduces its importance or effect. Example: "Your father got angry sometimes, but he was always there for you."
• Negation: Negating is an outright disavowal of the truth. Example: "Your father never laid a hand on you, and you know it."
• Reversal: Reversing asserts a wishful, fantasy-based opposite version of the truth. Example: "Your father has always been kind and loving with you. He's a saint, and you're lucky to have him.

3. Blaming, Shame & Guilt Tripping.

These tactics include projection, which is a defensive behavior in which the manipulator accuses others of his behavior and project on you what he does not accept in himself of defects and shortcomings.

Manipulators believe that "the best defense is a good offense". By blame shifting , so that the victim is now on the defensive. While the manipulator remains innocent and free, their victims now feel guilt and shame. 

Abusers usually blame their victims or someone else. Be wary of a false apology which is really just another manipulation. Addicts usually blame their addiction on others, a demanding boss or a "feisty" spouse. Rapists are also used to being able to attack the reputation of their victims.

Guilt and shame shift the focus on you, weakening you while the abuser feels superior. Those who excel at "the victim role" use guilt when they say or imply, "After all, I did it for you..." sometimes combined with criticism that you are selfish or ungrateful. 

Shame goes beyond guilt to make you feel unfit. It degrades your worth as a person, your qualities, or your role, not just your actions.

Related Article: What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Normal Shame

Comparison is a subtle, but powerful form of shame. It is harmful when parents compare siblings to each other or to their playmates. Some couples compare their partner to an ex to gain the upper hand by making their partner feel inferior.

Guilt and shame may include "victim blaming". For example, you find evidence on your partner's phone that he is cheating on you. You find your partner acting angry because you entered his phone without his permission and portrayed the matter as spying and betrayal. Now he or she has shifted the focus to you.

By blaming you, your partner avoids confrontation about his cheating on you, and may also lie about it, downplay it, or cheat it out entirely. You are the real victim, feeling guilty for being accused of spying, undermining any justifiable anger, and thus may allow the manipulation to continue unaddressed.

4. Play the victim.

This is different from blaming the victim. Instead of blaming you, this tactic plays the role of "poor guy" inducing guilt and empathy, so you'll do what the manipulator wants. It will protect them from any accountability or questioning  .Also victim role give them more control and enhance feelings of entitlement .

"I don't know what I would do if you didn't help me." More manipulative characters often threaten suicide if you leave them alone. It can also take the form of, "You don't care about me" "Why are you treating me like this?" or "Nobody helps me." 

Compliance with this form of emotional blackmail generates resentment, damages the relationship, and encourages continued manipulation. This is painful and can severely damage your self-worth. Awareness is the first step. You may need help to see things clear

Read Also: 5 Safety Steps To Get Out Of An Abusive Relationship