11 Techniques Narcissist Use To Control You
Narcissists are self-absorbed. They often dominate conversations,
manipulate their loved ones, and engage in deceptive behaviors for profit. We
try to steer clear of these disingenuous individuals, but we also fall victim
to their manipulation. So, how do they accomplish this? How do narcissists
control you? What techniques do they
Here are 11 Techniques Narcissist Use To Control You
1- Minimizing.
Narcissists systematically minimize anything that makes them look or feel bad.
They make excuses for their bad behavior by blaming others. They may deny
outright that they have done anything destructive. Narcissists know that
minimizing and procrastinating are hard for others to fight. Their minimizing
reveals a double standard. When a narcissist insults or hurts another person,
they hardly ever think about it again. But when a narcissist feels offended,
it can feel the end of the world for him.
2- Projection.
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Narcissists have a habit of accusing others of doing what, in fact, the
narcissist is doing. For example: Narcissists who lie often will accuse
you of being untrustworthy.
-
Unreliable narcissists will claim that you are untrustworthy and that you
have let them down.
-
Reckless narcissists will say that you are the one who needs anger
management.
Narcissists tend to be unaware of such hypocrisy. They accuse in an instant,
and then are satisfied with their accusations. Dropping allows them to avoid
responsibility for their own dysfunctional behavior while putting others on
the defensive.
3- Emotional Appeals.
Attempting to play on emotions such as fear, guilt and loyalty rather than
using logic and reasoning.
Narcissists use emotional appeals to disguise false or outrageous claims.
Since many narcissists tend to be Drama Kings or Queens, using over-the-top
emotionality to control others comes naturally for them. For example:
How dare you question me! After all Ive done for you.
4. Gaslighting.
When you are gaslighted, you feel uncomfortable and know something toxic has
occurred, but the narcissist in your life tells you: “That didn’t happen. You
imagined it. You’re crazy.” In a nutshell you’re lied to and that makes you
doubt yourself. Gaslighting may be the most insidious manipulative tactic. A
steady diet of doubting your ability to tell it like it really is alters your
sense of reality. Your self-doubt eats away at your ability to trust yourself,
and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in labeling and calling out
abuse and mistreatment
5. Creating Word Salad Conflicts.
Narcissists thrive on conflict. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want
something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. These
consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to
disorient you and get you off track. Word salads and nonsensical conversations
often erupt into arguments and are used to discredit, confuse, and frustrate
you. The goal is to distract you from the main problem and make you feel
guilty for having independent thoughts, opinions, and feelings that might
differ from their own. In the eyes of a narcissist, you are the problem if you
happen to exist and disagree in any way.
6. Smearing campaign.
Toxic narcissists will slander you and report back to your loved ones, their
loved ones, and anyone who will listen. They create stories that depict you as
abusive and pretend they are the victims of your abuse. They claim that you
engage in the behaviors that they don’t want you to accuse them of. Even
worse, they deliberately abuse you so they can use your angry reactions
against you. A smear campaign sabotages your reputation and slanders your name
so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on if you decide to
detach and cut ties. A malignant narcissist may even stalk and harass you or
the people you know as a way to “expose” the truth about you. Smearing you
hides their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.
7. Triangulating.
Triangulation is bringing the opinion, perspective or threat of another
person, or other people, into the relationship dynamic. Malignant narcissists
love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers,
ex-partners, friends and even family members to bolster their claims about
you. “Everyone knows what you do to me.” When a narcissist changes the story
so that you appear the aggressor, it validates the toxic person’s abuse. At
the same time, it invalidates your reaction to abuse. Triangulation puts you
on the defensive and makes it difficult for others to know what’s really going
on. If you try to defend yourself too vigorously, that may also validate the
other person’s claims. Triangulation can also create love triangles that leave
you on the outside feeling unhinged and insecure. They also use the opinions
of others (that they have influenced) to validate their point of view.
8. Bait and sugarcoating.
Narcissists' love to mess with you. A simple comment may bait you into
responding politely initially, but by the third jab it’s hard not to react.
Then the narcissist feigns innocence. They use your insecurities maliciously
to provoke you. After you’ve fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they’ll
stand back and innocently ask whether you’re “okay” and talk about how they
didn’t “mean” to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard
and make you believe that they truly didn’t intend to hurt you, until it
happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any longer.
9- Shaming.
Narcissists carry enormous shame, though this shame is generally outside their
awareness. As a result, they tend to discharge their unpleasant feelings on
those around them.
They may question others’ legitimacy. They may chide others for a
less-than-perfect performance or rub a failure in another’s face. They have a
knack for knocking others down a peg. The result: They feel one-up. In
addition, the recipients of their shaming may feel they have to defend or
explain themselves, which often gives narcissists additional ammunition for
more shaming.
10- Hot and cold games.
narcissistic individuals are also known to play games. “One of the ways that
narcissists try to control you is by playing manipulative hot and cold games,”
“One week, they’ll flatter you to get you to do what they want, and the next
week, they’ll use aggression. The negative moments are interspersed with
positive ones so that you might not even realize that you’re being
manipulated. The only way to defeat this is to be cautious of the flattery and
positivity when it comes. Take every action with a grain of salt, and don’t
let the love-bombing be a form of bribery towards you. Niceties shouldn’t be
conditional.”
11. Splitting.
Also called black and white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking.
It’s the
failure in a person’s thinking to bring together both positive and negative
qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. This is
exemplified in a family who has both a golden-child and scapegoat. The
golden-child can do no wrong and the scapegoat is a complete burden and
failure as a person.
Then narcissist does this as an attempt to stabilize their sense of
self-esteem, by perceiving themselves as purely upright, admirable, or
superior and others who do not conform to their will or values as purely
wicked or contemptible.
Sources:
.psychologytoday.com/8-insidious-ways-narcissists-try-control-you
psychcentral.com/14-thought-control-tactics-narcissists-use-to-confuse-and-dominate-you
reachoutrecovery.com/10-ways-narcissists-take-control/
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