11 Ways Narcissists Play the Shame Game To Control You

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are experts at playing the game of shame with those around them. where they are basically ashamed of themselves.

Often confused with cousin guilt, a feeling of distress about something we did, shame is a feeling of distress about who we are. Simply put, guilt is “I did something bad,” while shame is “I did a bad thing.”

Narcissists rarely, if ever, feel guilt, but they suffer greatly from shame. Since as children they do not develop normative empathy for others, narcissists lack empathy and a sense of responsibility for their guilt-leading behavior. But their early sense of being flawed and unloved causes them lifelong shame as they fight with grandiose outward behavior and contempt for others.

The Shame Game: 
Shaming is a common and especially damaging form of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists use shame to

• Project their inadequacies;
• externalize their self-loathing;
• make others look and feel inferior;
• feed their need to feel superior;
• control others’ self-perceptions;
• manipulate others to take undue responsibility;
• manipulate others to blame themselves for their abuser’s behavior;
• undermine and weaken others’ self-esteem;
• isolate and disarm others; and/or
• drive others into self-hating secrecy and self-destruction.

In order to avoid the first blow, a person needs to understand what it looks like. 

Here are 11 ways narcissists use shame to control others.

1) Break the confidence. 

Narcissists like to collect information about someone and store it away for abuse later. They use their magic to entice someone to share secret details, especially those that embarrassed the other person. Once the information has been collected, the narcissist uses the story to keep the other person in check and constantly worry about when the information will come out.

2) Historical revisionism.

The narcissist will retell someone else's story adding their own joy of additional shame. This can be done in front of others or in private. This usually happens after the other person has achieved a certain level of achievement. The narcissist will say that they are just trying to keep the other person humble but in reality, they are trying to humiliate them

3) Exaggeration of flaws.

Nobody is perfect but a narcissist. The narcissist is very good at pinpointing other people's faults and even better at commenting negatively on them. This is a way to put the other person "in his place." When confronted, they often say, "I was just kidding," or "This guy can't take a joke."

4) Shift the blame. 

When something goes wrong, the narcissist places all the blame on the other person. The other person who may have done something wrong is allowing the narcissist to shed more than his or her fair share of responsibility.

5) The victim's Role.

Narcissists are talented at infuriating others and then using their reaction as an excuse to become the real victim. No matter how hard the narcissist provokes the other person, the angry reaction to the provocation is seen as shameful. The other person who usually feels bad by their reaction allows the narcissist to play the victim card, thus ceding control to the narcissist.

6) Distance 

At a time when you need the most support, the narcissist becomes distant. This further creates feelings of anxiety and shame, particularly if coupled with blame for relationship problems.

7) Religious guilt.

It does not matter what religion the narcissist or the other person is. Every religion has a set of standards and expectations. The narcissist will use the other person's religious beliefs to inflame them with guilt to act a certain way. They might even go so far as to say, "God told me you needed to...

8) Offensive tactic. 

The narcissist will use personal attacks to defend the other person. The other person will be so busy defending their name or character that they will miss the next attack. The narcissist will say, "Look how defensive you are, you must have made a mistake." This is a checkmate position because the other person has nowhere to go. Offensive play is one of the most horrific ways narcissists use shame to control others.

9) Arrogant Talking 

 The narcissist will speak in circles with an air of power to force the other person into an inferior position. They will use complex vocabulary, physical postures such as looking at the other person, and embellishing details to hide the true point of the other person's shame

10) Comparing achievements. 

It doesn't matter what the other person accomplished, the narcissist did it first, better, and more efficiently. By outdoing the other person, the narcissist lowers the other person's accomplishments in comparison to his own. This results in a feeling of "I can never be good enough" in the other person.

11) First impression. 

A narcissist is fully aware of how he looks and appears to others. Often times they wear designer clothes with immaculate cleanliness. There is no misplaced hair. This is not just for narcissists. Rather, their perfect appearance is used to insult others. Comments like, "They don't take care of themselves" or "It doesn't take much effort to look better" are typical.