5 Ways A Narcissist Uses To Project Himself As A Victim

5 Ways A Narcissist Uses To Project Himself As A Victim

A person with NPD is often seen as someone with a high sense of self and an unlimited need for power. So, what does it mean for someone with this condition to play the victim? Is it on purpose? Is it a manipulation tactic? Do they really think they have been victimized? 

One of the most powerful and dirty weapons of a narcissist is playing the victim role, which almost always works when it comes to them trying to portray themselves as the victim. As they  tend to twist reality to weave a distorted story of their “victim” status and manipulate others in to believing that the partner/ex-partner was an abuser. 

Narcissistic personality disorder and victim mentality

Research suggests that people with narcissism may see themselves as victims of personal excesses more often than people who do not live with the disorder. In a qualitative 2020 study, relatives of people with NPD reported that their loved ones often displayed a victim mentality. It is not always clear if they really feel like a victim or just play the victim to tweak social interactions in their benefits.

If you have been in a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you may have noticed that they lack both self-awareness. In general, people with NPD have difficulty recognizing their own behaviors and how they affect others. They may not be able to "see" it even when you point to it. This is why they may feel attacked when you contradict them or tell them they did something wrong. 

This is not in keeping with their inflated sense of self. This is part of the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder. A tendency to low introspection combined with an exaggerated sense of superiority may make them unable to see the situation in a way that does not fit their worldview. As a result, they may "play the victim" in some scenarios.

In social interactions, narcissists always try to be the center of the conversation. They distort the topic to fit their view of themselves in the conversation. They are more passionate about talking than listening and learning. 

When a narcissist plays the victim, they may really feel like a victim, but it's an unconscious strategy to get sympathy and support. It's a coping mechanism they learned as children. When a child feels hurt, he cries and seeks attention from caregivers. It is normal for children to act this way. However, with the narcissist, victim-playing is a toxic behavior that they uses to further their ambitions, break off relationships, or punish real victims—the targets of their abuse.

Some of the reasons for playing this role may be directly related to the symptoms of NPD: 

• sense of entitlement
• denial
• delusions of grandeur
• grandiosity
• projection
• need for control
• narcissistic rage
• low empathy

But it is important to know that not everyone who plays the victim has NPD. Not everyone with NPD plays the victim.

These are the five ways narcissists play the victim and how to overcome them. 

1- Illusion and denial.

Narcissists can't handle reality because it goes against what they want to be real, and this creates painful feelings. As a coping mechanism, they learn to deceive themselves that what is actually real is not real, yet they see the situation as real, even though it is not. Sometimes they really see it that way. Other times, it's just a fabricated story they tell themselves and others. And often, the longer you tell a story, the more you will believe it, even if you initially knew it wasn't true. And so in the end they might start to really believe it.

2- Lying.

One of the most important defense mechanisms a narcissist uses when called out about something is simply to lie about it. The goal here is to defuse your anxiety and doubts by persuading you to agree to an event or series of events that didn't actually happen, or happened differently. By believing this lie, you have let them get away with it. Narcissists simply want to know that they are right. For this, they need false validation from others in order to boost their shaky self-esteem. 

They need to find people who agree with them. In order for others to agree with them, narcissists need to lie and present a different story than what is actually true. Here, they tend to invert roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral. Which brings us to the next point.

3- Gas-lighting. 

Gas-lighting goes hand in hand with lying. The two are closely related, and gas-lighting is often the second step of a narcissist trying to misrepresent the truth. Gaslighting is defined as manipulation directed towards making the victim doubt or question what he knows is the truth and the reality in which he is living. Gas-lighting is something difficult to recognize at the moment. Truthfully, your best defense is to enter into a conversation knowing that it is likely to occur. You can stop gaslights in their tracks similar to how you stop a narcissist's false defense: by sticking to your weapons, showing them the evidence you have, and denying them the complacency by making you question who you really are.

Denying the narcissist the ability to shine the spotlight on you is a huge blow to them, and after this point, their manipulation will likely become more shaky and more regular.

4- Misrepresentation of stories.

Narcissists also like to truncate the story and give only a little bit of the offended party's reaction to their toxic behavior, framing it as if this is where the story began (see photo). Or they twist it with spoof expressions and spoof language (I don't control, I just want what's best for you). 

For example, if a narcissist hates you and tries to bully you but you stand up for yourself, they will frame them as if they were a victim of bullying. In their version they were doing something or joking around you and you started to deal with them. Meanwhile, they simply ignored what happened earlier when they bullied you, so actually being mean to them is a normal response to toxic behavior. Here, by ignoring or belittling their aggression, they are simply framing you to engage in self-defense as contemptible aggression against them. Then they think: How dare you answer or challenge me! You are very sensitive and unfair! That's why you deserve everything that comes!

5- Attacking you and turning things against you 

The final stage of a narcissist playing the victim is a fierce attack against you. This is usually the worst stage. It is also the most difficult to face. By going on the offensive, they want to completely wreck you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you an emotional wreck. They will do and say things that cut to the core of your fears. 

There are many ways in which narcissists use their lies and expectations, and the goal is always to turn others against you in the hope that they will not try to discover the truth. One way to do this is by triangulation. In psychology, it means controlling and manipulating the communication between two parties. It is related to gossiping, smearing, and slandering, where the narcissist spreads false information around. A more extreme version of all of that is character assassination, where the lies are much more severe and damaging.

How to protect yourself 

Even if you understand that NPD is a complex mental health condition and is not a personal choice, you may feel overwhelmed when someone repeatedly feels or acts like a victim. You might hope they change or get out of it. You can even convince them to change their ways. While this might work for someone who doesn't have that condition and plays the victim, it probably won't work for someone with NPD. Some people with NPD develop new social skills with the help of a mental health professional. However, it is often difficult for them to stay in treatment. In the meantime, learning to recognize the games they might be playing, and to set clear boundaries, can help you cope.

Here are some tips to consider:

• Try not to take it personally. This is never easy, but with practice you can do it. 
• Don't take the bait. If possible, walk away every time they treat you like the bad guy. 
• Don't accept it. They might say some hurtful things when they play the victim, but those words don't define who you are. 
• Don't Idealize them . It's natural to take a good guess and think about whether you're really mistreating them. Trust their actions more than their words. 
• Do not Engage. It is not uncommon for you to act the same way someone treats you. However, avoid the need to play the victim with them, even if they are not really fair to you

Sources
psychcentral.com/narcissist-plays-the-victim#takeaway
iheartintelligence.com/ways-narcissists-play-the-victim

psychcentral.com/narcissist-delusion#5