7 Effective Ways to Set Boundaries With Narcissists
People with narcissistic personality disorder see themselves as uniquely gifted and therefore feel worthy of being taken advantage of by others. On the other hand, because of a lack of empathy for how their actions affect others, narcissists feel entitled to use other people. This makes it especially important to set firm boundaries with them.
It's easier to avoid narcissists altogether. This is often easier said than done. Since we all have them as spouses, siblings, co-workers, bosses, or friends, knowing how to set boundaries with a narcissist is the best decision. This way, you can bond without being affected by their selfish attitude. So, how do you set boundaries with narcissists?
Here are 7 tips on setting boundaries with narcissists:
1) Know where to draw the line.
Determine which behaviors you are willing to accept and which you do not.
For example, if you are not willing to put up with rudeness, bullying, or
name-calling, say so.
Ask yourself what you are willing to accept
from others and what you are not. For example, one way to draw the line is
by saying, if you keep calling me names, I will end our conversation till
you can be respectful.
Narcissists may call you more names, argue with you, or try to convince you that you are overreacting or treating them unfairly. They will likely cycle through a variety of methods to see if they can induce guilt or intimidate and confuse you.
While their pressure or wheedling may be annoying, your limits are not up for discussion or voting. Creating healthy boundaries can help you feel stronger, calmer, more secure, and less overwhelmed.
2. Don't feel the need to justify, explain, and defend yourself around them.
When trying to set boundaries with narcissists, you should never defend, explain yourself from them. It is in the nature of narcissists to use intimidation to make you question and doubt yourself. You can only win if you don't explain why, you act the way you do.
Themselves. Doing so gives them a sense of power and control. Part of setting boundaries is the right to decide what you share with others. The less you share, especially personal information, the less the narcissist will use it against you. You don't need to justify your thoughts, feelings, or actions to a narcissist. If a narcissist criticizes you, you can say something like, "I hear your opinion and will consider it." If they question your actions, say, "I am confident in my choice." If they ask for an explanation, say, "This is personal" or “We’ll have to just agree to disagree.”
3. Don't show them how their behavior affects you.
How do you set boundaries with a narcissist? Never show them your reaction to their behavior. Your confused or frightened reaction is what gives them strength and the feeling that they control you. When a narcissist begins to display disturbing behavior, you can ignore them or walk away in order to control your emotions and control your reaction.
4. Don't share personal matters with a narcissist.
One way to give the narcissist all the power to control you is to tell them personal details about yourself. You don't want a selfish person to hear about your personality, interests, hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses. The narcissist will often evaluate you to determine the best way to control you or gain an advantage over you. When you let them know certain things about you, you give them the opportunity to use them against you.
Read Also: 7 Powerful Ways To Put A Narcissist In Their Place
Narcissists crave attention. All they need, say, or believe in the moment is their priority, and they expect that moment to be yours, too. This narcissistic hunger has tremendous power, like the tides on a beach. To avoid being swept overboard, when dealing with a narcissist, mentally check in with yourself and note what you are feeling, thinking, and wanting. If you can't do this right now, you can recall the interaction later and identify your thoughts and moods. This awareness can reduce the power of narcissists to overwhelm you with their agendas.
Some self-help groups use the term gray rock as an approach to narcissists. This means reducing how much you care about the narcissist. Being temporarily impervious as a rock can be an adaptive form of detachment in an emotionally insecure situation.
The gray rock approach reminds you, that I will never fully share or give you my energy. I'm saving that for safe people. Showing vulnerability or interacting emotionally with a narcissist increases your risk of becoming even more frustrated. Narcissists like to feel like they can get a response from others. In a corrupt way, he reassures them of their existence. By showing them access to you, you inadvertently reinforce their unhealthy behaviors and intrusions.
Of course, narcissists are masters at getting a rise out of others, so sometimes despite your best intentions, you will react. But when you can, it's best to excuse yourself, change the subject, or put your reaction aside so you can deal with it later.
6. Focus on being the person you want to be.
Narcissists are concerned with image and appearance. Because of this, they want you to act in ways that make them feel good about themselves, often at your expense. Your chance is to choose who you want to be around. Ask yourself:
- What should I do to respect myself in this situation?
- What do I want to represent?
- Do I want to feel small and overwhelmed or strong and confident?
7. Remember: Good boundaries include consequences.
Part of setting boundaries is knowing what you are prepared to do if your boundaries are ignored. Consequences are best when they are clear in your mind ahead of time. Then, when a boundary is violated, act on your chosen consequence immediately, decisively, every single time. Otherwise, you may lose credibility.
To remember:
When you set boundaries with a narcissist. It won't happen easily; The narcissist will flare up. They will argue and blame you for the way they acted towards you. Notably, the narcissist will ignore your feelings and act like a victim. However, stay strong. Do not think that your limits are less than their needs. In the end, they will be fine. But what matters is that you protect your mental health.
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