The Narcissist and the Codependent Dance

The Narcissist and the Codependent Dance

Codependency dance

Psychologists use the term “codependency dance" to describe the intimate relationship between two very broken, dysfunctional, opposing, but balanced people: the fixer and the people-pleaser (the codependent), and the controller and taker (the narcissist).

The destructive behaviors that each one has formed throughout their childhoods and into their adult lives seem to complement each other perfectly. The two of them mesh together in a seductive and dysfunctional dance where the codependent individual will give up her power and the narcissist will thrive on that control and power so that no one’s toes get stepped on.

According to writer Erika Robertson in her article on artwitherika.com

Erika said that Codependent individuals are enamored with the needs and desires of other people.

They were groomed in their childhood to be servants and later in life they find themselves on a dance floor where they are attracted to people who are a perfect pairing for their submissive dancing style. They are natural followers, and most of them find narcissists extremely appealing because of their charm, confidence, boldness, and dominant personality.

The perfect dancing partner for a narcissist is someone who lacks self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. A narcissist looks for a dancing partner who he can manipulate, so that he can control the dance.

He looks for someone who has a warped sense of reality and codependent people fit this role perfectly. Individuals who have grown up knowing who they are, who are confident in their capabilities, and who are strong-willed (or normally-willed) rarely stay with the narcissist long-term, because they are able to see the red flags of the narcissist’s selfish personality early on.

Relationship between Narcissist & Codependent 

In an important article published on GoodTherapy.org on the relationship between dependency and narcissism, the article emphasized that both narcissism and dependency have the same needs, but the behaviors are different.

Narcissism and dependence are both linked to an indefinite self. They often struggle to get to know who they really are.
People with these conditions often rely on other people for their identities. As such, they attach great importance to what other people think of them.

People with NPD often develop an intense and almost exclusive focus on themselves. They show a lack of empathy or concern for the needs of others.

Narcissistic people often need another person to amplify their self-esteem. They may need a constant stream of affection and admiration to feel good about themselves. This is called "narcissistic supply."

Meanwhile, people who are overly dependent on others usually shape their identity by serving the needs of others.
They may try to control another person's behavior, thinking they know what is best for that person.

Often people who are dependent on feeling "need" feed. 

Almost everyone wants to feel loved or important.
Narcissism and dependence are two strategies for achieving this goal. However, both behaviors can lead to an over-reliance on the approval of others.

The common origins of dependency and narcissism

Both dependency and narcissism are associated with negative childhood experiences.

A 2001 study of 793 mothers and babies found a three-fold increase in NPD among children whose mothers were verbally abusing them.

And a 1999 study of 200 college students linked dependable behaviors with parenting.
(Parenting) is when a child takes over the role of caring for his or her parents or siblings, often due to feelings of neglect or abuse. People with NPD and dependence on others often have similar childhood experiences.

They simply adopted different ways of coping. For example, suppose a pair of twins is growing up neglectful. A sibling may develop low self-esteem and learn that he only "deserves something" if it is beneficial to others. So he may grow up as a dependent adult, accustomed to sacrificing his own needs.

While the second sibling may develop an inflated self-esteem as a protective mechanism. Neglect makes a child feel insignificant, so as a narcissistic adult, they may crave the constant pursuit of self-worth.

Understanding the dance between the of narcissists and codependents

Sometimes, people with dependence form relationships with people with NPD.
Typically, the two partners develop complementary roles to fill each other's needs. The dependent person finds a partner in whom he can fuse himself, and the narcissist may find someone else to put his needs first.

Even if they both develop an abusive relationship, neither partner may try to leave. Both people may remain in an unhealthy situation for fear of being alone.

Dependents usually don't see ending a relationship as an option, just because they see it as a failure to do so but rather as a personal failure. They see maintaining the relationship as their "job" and responsibility. 

Thus, the narcissist finds it useful to exploit someone who is willing to sacrifice his limits and himself to satisfy the narcissist, he will continue to bind the person to dependence and give him sufficient attention to maintain his hope of survival by reinforcing this dependable role within him.

Since the narcissist lacks empathy and does not see anything wrong with his behavior, the narcissist has no reason to change that behavior.

This means that it is usually up to the fiduciary to terminate the relationship. However, because dependent people lack self-esteem, the thought of being alone is often worse than the thought of staying in an unhealthy relationship.

Can dependence and narcissism combine in one person?

Narcissism and self-reliance are not always the same as wanting to feel needed is not the same as wanting to feel important.

While many studies have found lower rates of narcissism among people who struggle with dependence, some have actually found higher rates of narcissism among those who have shared dependency traits.

The person acting dependently may be one situation, the narcissist in another situation. For example, a wife may become a dependency in her marriage, serving all of the husband's narcissistic needs. However, she herself may feel a never-ending need for respect and praise from her children. Which made her showed narcissistic tendencies.

In some cases, the abusive person may try to manipulate his dependent partner by instilling a belief that he is a narcissist, by describing his partner as "conceited".

When he describes habitual self-care acts, such as taking days off or spending time with friends, as "selfish." The dependent may believe these accusations and try to repair the relationship by ignoring their own needs. Through this skepticism, it is more likely that a dependable person falsely believes that they are narcissistic.

A related article:  Why Narcissists & Borderlines fall in love 

Sources:
artwitherika.com 
GoodTherapy.org
Psychologytoday.com