6 Ways To Set Boundaries With A Toxic Person

Setting boundaries with toxic people isn't easy, but it is something we can all learn to do and when we do, it is possible. Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When we set boundaries, we are less angry and resentful that our needs are being met.
Boundaries clarify our expectations, so that others know what to expect of us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the foundation of happy, healthy relationships.

Ideally, people will respect our boundaries when we communicate with them clearly. But we all know that some people will do everything they can to resist our efforts to set boundaries; They will argue, blame us, ignore us, manipulate us, threaten us, or hurt us physically. While we cannot prevent people from behaving this way, we can learn to set clear boundaries and take care of ourselves.

How to set boundaries

There are three parts to setting boundaries.

Set your limits. Be clear about what you need before trying to communicate or impose boundaries.

Express your boundaries or expectations clearly, calmly, and consistently. Stick to the facts without overinterpreting them, blaming them, or being defensive. For example, it is better to say “I call a taxi. I don't ride with you when you've been drinking,” than to lose your temper and say, “I can't believe you're going home after you've been drinking all night! Every time we go out, it's the same thing. I won't take it anymore! ''.

If your boundaries are not being respected, evaluate your options and take action

Who are the toxic people?

Toxic people are the ones who give off negative energy and make us feel bad when we're around. I firmly believe that gut instinct will tell you if someone toxic and unhealthy to be around, but if you want more guidance, here are some characteristics of toxic people.

Toxic people:

Lie on a regular basis
Take advantage of your kindness
Don’t respect your boundaries
Manipulate you in order to get what they want
Put you down
Don’t encourage you to pursue your goals
Don’t consider other people’s feelings or needs
Feel entitled
Are frequently angry or aggressive
Rarely apologize
Blame others and don’t take responsibility for their actions
Drain your energy
Have a lot of “drama” or problems, but don’t want to change
Think the rules don’t apply to them
Talk, but don’t listen

But what if this person is someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and you can't cut them out of your life right away?

You might have children or an existing business with this person, or an ongoing settlement or divorce that hasn’t taken place yet. Or in the case of a family member, they may be someone who is close to other family members and are present at family gatherings. Or they could be a colleague at work, someone in a friendship group or even a neighbour, which would mean changing a big part of your life in order to remove yourself from them. Whatever the case, there are many of us that may have to deal with a narcissist indefinitely at one point or another. And it is for this reason that I think it’s very important that you know how to deal with them.

Setting boundaries is an ongoing process and there is no quick fix for dealing with boundaries
violators. The bottom line is that we cannot get people to respect our boundaries, but we can control how we respond. The following ideas can help you choose the best approach for dealing with chronic boundaries violators.

1. Decide if these boundaries are negotiable.

Some limits are more important than others. Determining what you are willing to accept and what you consider unacceptable or non-negotiable will help you determine whether you are willing to compromise. Compromise can be a good thing if both people are adapting. However, the real compromise is not giving up on your needs to please someone else or accepting treatment that you view as a deal-breaker.

If someone repeatedly violates your most important boundaries, you should ask yourself how long you are willing to accept such a transaction. I have seen people accepting disrespect and offense for years and years, hoping that the toxic person will change only to look back in hindsight to see that this person has no intention of changing or respecting boundaries.

2. Write what happens.

Record boundary violations and your responses. This will help you verify weaknesses in your boundaries. It is difficult to set the same boundaries repeatedly with someone who is not listening and we often start to give up and don't align with ours. If you notice that you aren't consistently setting healthy boundaries, make adjustments. And if you are consistent, writing things down can help clarify what you are willing to accept and how you feel about it.

3. Accept that some people will not respect your boundaries.

This is a difficult truth to accept because we want to convince people to respect our limits. I know it's disappointing to realize that you may need to determine if you would like to continue having a relationship with this person. But you cannot change someone else's behavior. You can choose to accept it or to disengage.

4. Practice detachment.

Detaching is a shift away from trying to control people and situations. When you are in a state of fear, it is understandable that you want to control things to protect yourself. But trying to control others never works. When we separate, we stop trying to change others and impose the outcome we want. You can separate from a narcissist or toxic person by:

Physically leaving a dangerous or uncomfortable situation.
Responding in a different way. For example, instead of taking something personally or yelling, we can shrug off a rude comment or make a joke of it. This changes the dynamics of the interaction.
Declining invitations to spend time with them.
Letting them make their own decisions and deal with the consequences of those choices.
Not giving unsolicited advice.
Choosing not to participate in the same old arguments or taking space away from an unproductive conversation or argument.

Detaching doesn't mean that you don't care about that person, it just means that you care about yourself and are realistic about what you can do in each situation.

5. Consider restricting whether or going no contact.

Sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to stop associating with toxic people who do not respect you. Limited or no contact is not intended to punish or manipulate others, it is a form of self-care. If someone is hurting you physically or emotionally, you owe it to yourself to put some distance between you and that person. Despite what other people may say, you don't have to be in a relationship with family members or anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Family and friends should raise and support you, not leaving you depressed, anxious, angry, or confused.

6. You have choices.

One of the greatest things about being an adult is that you have options. You don't have to keep being friends with someone who exploits your kindness, working with someone who criticizes and belittles you and ceaselessly belittles you, or staying romantically with someone who is bothering you. We all have options - sometimes we don't particularly like them, but it is important to know that we have them. We are not trapped or weak.

Choosing to end relationships (even abusive ones) is painful. For practical reasons, you may not be able to end a toxic relationship at this point. But you can look for a new job or stay with a friend or in a shelter in order to ultimately free yourself from someone who hurts you physically and / or emotionally.

If we're being honest, sometimes we're just not ready to not call or end the relationship even though deep down we know it's unhealthy to continue. If this is the case, you can:

Identify your choices (such as detaching physically and emotionally, limiting contact, avoiding being alone with the person, practicing self-care);
Choose the best option (none may be ideal);
Respect yourself;
And trust your instincts..

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Sometimes, others may get angry or offended with your choices even though you don't set boundaries to be mean or difficult and sometimes you just cannot continue to have these people in your life. Borders are a way to protect yourself from harm and preserve your independence and individuality. These are priceless gifts you deserve to give yourself.

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Ali Mousa Relationship Blogger & writer